Empty
by Dreams of
Summary: TW:Eating Disorder, abuse. Axel is popular, his family is loaded, so why does he smile when he can feel each of his ribs? Zexion is quiet, but he's watched Axel for what had felt like forever. Sometimes things happen too quickly, or not quickly enough.
1. Purge

**Empty**

_1. Purge_

Pairings: Zexion/Axel, Demyx/Roxas, and possible Sora/Riku (if I get bored) Others are possible but not planned at this point.

Rating: M

Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

Summary:

Author's Note: Please enjoy but keep in mind that this could get very dark sometimes. I haven't truly decided how far into the disorder I will go. I encourage you to get help if you do have an eating disorder btw, this is in no way promoting them. I simply need an outlet for my own issues with food.

**Axel****.**

Freezing liquid down my throat, faster, I could not drink enough to kill the trembling of my stomach. I wanted to scream at it, to tell it to shut the hell up. I didn't care what it thought it needed because it was just lying to me. I had to wash out the taste… my throat was throbbing… Where was my salt? I searched frantically for a few minutes, half choking as I tried to breath. There, there it was, hidden under my bed. Why did I hide the salt? Christ, I was a little too paranoid. I measured some out, and dumped it into my drink. Gargle, I had to gargle it. The cold numbed me, the salt healed it. It stung a little though.

I looked to the evidence in the center of my room, a shopping bag, two actually double bagged to avoid a mess. It looked odd, propped open 'just so' and placed in the exact center of the room, the liquids were slightly visible. You couldn't smell it yet. I bounced on the balls of my feet a little, nervous. I needed to tie it and throw it away. I needed more water, I spit out the mouth full I had gargled and looked into the bag. I could see the flamboyant jell-o I had eaten. Red cherry, that meant I had gotten it all up. There was assorted other colors, but I half ignored them.

Had I really eaten all of that? Had I really allowed that filth into my body? I shuddered to think about it. I gargled some more, I couldn't brush my teeth but the taste of those god forsaken cheese curls wouldn't leave me alone. Once I spit that mouthful out, I blew my nose again, Jesus, all I could smell was vomit. I was not hungry, at least that was good. My stomach had probably stretched out again though. Damn it. My hand smelt like the diet vanilla coke I had sipped while getting all of the food down, it made it easier to purge. I was getting too good at this. My music was turned up loud, to block out the gagging sounds, and I was ready to throw it all away, and take my pretty blue, maximum strength laxatives, just in case. I needed more water though…

I tied the bags closed tightly, feeling the full weight of all the acids and food. All of that had been in me. Why had I let it all in me? What was wrong with me? I stuffed the tied up two bags into a paper bag and went downstairs, to the kitchen, an threw it all away, washing the salt out of the cup and filling it once more, first with ice, and then with cold water. There was snow on the ground outside still… I rinsed my mouth out with another plain mouth full from the tap, and grabbed a napkin, blowing my nose, before I full out washed my hands. I felt like I needed a shower. I still felt filthy, like the food was still in me. My stomach made odd noises again, but I ignored it.

Empty is thin, and thin is beautiful.

I chanted that again and again, I had to, there was no other way that I would remember and obey all the rules if I didn't repeat that over and over.

Sometimes it felt like I was trying to convince myself, and then, all I had to do was look in the mirror and pinch my fat, and I knew. Big was not beautiful, skinny was sexy. I could see my ribs almost clearly. It made me smile a little every time I saw them. Every time I caught a glance of my collar bones, each and every time my hip bones smiled up at me…

I loved it.

"Axel, turn your music off please, especially if you're not in your room!" My mother called from the living room. If only she knew the things I hid. If only she knew how I was dying on the inside… No one knew. No one could ever know.

Author's Note: So what do you think? It's written in a weird format… but what can I say, I was mid-break down when I started to write this. And yes, Axel is out of character, but he's alone, and hurting. So give it a little. You'll see the two sides I have set up in my mind.

Review for me? Please and thank you. I reply to all the reviews I get so that's good. And hopefully, I'll update soon, if anyone wants more that is.

Preview: His eyes scanned the room, and flashed over me… Through me. He was looking through me, because I was invisible, I didn't even make it into his view. I was just a bookworm emo. I could feel the chill of everything setting into my bones. He would never notice me.

Just watching him could be enough… right? I could always watch him. I wasn't an attention whore or anything, but, was it really too much to ask that he would just see me? I just wanted him to know I was alive… I wished he would see me.

People always say, be careful what you wish for, because just as my chest heaved with a sigh, and that wish formed in my mind, his eyes focused on me. Directly on me. I panicked, and almost dumped over the cappuccino my hand had been grasping at. My eyes flicked nervously away from his, focusing back on my book, and the drink, going between the to as out of the corner of my eyes, I could trace his movements. They were movements towards me. Closer and closer he came as my invisibility slipped away. He could see me, couldn't he? I had never thought what would happen if he really could see me. Sure, I had fantasized but, I had never logically thought out what could happen if he noticed me.

Then, he turned away, as quickly as he had started towards me. I looked up as he made his way through the shelves of books, taking the spark of terrifying hope with him. I had probably imagined him seeing me.


	2. Invisible

**Empty**

_2. Invisible_

Pairings: Zexion/Axel, Demyx/Roxas, and possible Sora/Riku

Rating: M

Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

Summary:

Author's Note: Dear readers, I'm sorry this has taken so long. I do apologize. I should be more focused, but I have exams now, I have been having a lot of problems, I have 2 college essays I need to write and I've been having a real bad issue writing lately. Anyways, here we go.

**Zexion.**

English was first, which meant I could half listen. I was ahead, but wasn't that always how it was? I read forward in the book, not for fun, but because he was in this class. Axel, he sat right in front of me, always sitting up straight, perfectly straight. It was difficult to see from behind the taller boy, not to mention that his teased up hair didn't help all that much. Or did he just hold it and spray it? I wasn't sure, I still needed to figure that out. It always looked so perfect, so touchable… I wanted to run the pretty red locks through my finger tips and kiss along the collarbone that was visible under his skin. He smoothed back the flamboyant colored hair, and shook his head a little, the gorgeous scent of cinnamon floating into my nostrils. Why was everything about him so alluring?

He was at the top of our class, second only to me, surprisingly enough, because he was athletic, and popular. What popular kid needed to worry about grades? Apparently Axel. I didn't mind, I actually admired him for it. He was different. He was a rich kid, but he didn't buy his way through life. He was working for what he got. I could kiss his feet for that. That might be all I would ever get to kiss on him. He didn't even know I existed. I was the emo kid, sure, I had friends, but that didn't elevate me from the "emo boy" status I had acquired and grown into very well over the years. My friends were just as "emo" as I was so in reality it didn't matter. Axel was punk, maybe scene, but the difference didn't matter, I didn't care, I barely paid any attention to all the labels. All I paid attention to was how his voice sounded when it sent shivers down my spine. If he turned to talk to Demyx, an air headed blonde that was his best friend, his voice would be low, in a half whisper, and I would listen. I always listened to him. I always watched him.

There were differences. He was thinner than normal, but that wasn't too concerning, he was always moving, and he was tall enough that maybe ten pounds would look like a lot more. Who was I to ask him about it anyways? I was invisible, I didn't make it onto his radar. I was not in the right circle of friends, I was not in the right economic state, I was not the right gender.

"Hey, Dem," he whispered to his friend and my eyes flew to his turned head, the downward triangles barely visible, his green eyes bright from the side. His skin was so white, he looked almost sick. The blonde looked up, smiling gently, and nodding in acknowledgment. "I don't think I can make it out of the house tonight, I forgot to study for that history test tomorrow, and I really need to." He said softly, looking disappointed. Demyx's smile faded but he nodded a little.

"That's alright Ax, we can help you study, I haven't either. We can order in, instead." He suggested and Axel nodded a little.

"It sounds like fun but I should really focus, you know I don't like studying in groups." He laughed lightly, and the conversation reached an end, just as the class ended.

/ / / Later on \ \ \

I was at a bookstore, browsing, reading, and relaxing in the café. It was my kind of place, it was quiet, refined, and there were no crowds. I could concentrate there, it was away from it all, it was like heaven on earth, and it was one of the few sanctuaries that I had. I could think about anything there. That of course applied until _he_ walked in.

I looked up from my book, glancing at my cappuccino which had the foam on top still, and out of the corner of my eye, the splotch of red among all the bland textures of the store caught my eyes. He was beautiful. His pale skin stood out, it turned almost golden during the summer, and as spring came closer. Spring was still hiding, so he was not basking in the sun yet. He looked like Rose Red, skin as pale as snow, and hair crimson like blood. His eyes scanned the room, and flashed over me… Through me. He was looking through me, because I was invisible, I didn't even make it into his view. I was just a bookworm emo. I could feel the chill of everything setting into my bones. He would never notice me.

Just watching him could be enough… right? I could always watch him. I wasn't an attention whore or anything, but, was it really too much to ask that he would just see me? I just wanted him to know I was alive… I wished he would see me.

People always say, be careful what you wish for, because just as my chest heaved with a sigh, and that wish formed in my mind, his eyes focused on me. Directly on me. I panicked, and almost dumped over the cappuccino my hand had been grasping at. My eyes flicked nervously away from his, focusing back on my book, and the drink, going between the to as out of the corner of my eyes, I could trace his movements. They were movements towards me. Closer and closer he came as my invisibility slipped away. He could see me, couldn't he? I had never thought what would happen if he really could see me. Sure, I had fantasized but, I had never logically thought out what could happen if he noticed me.

Then, he turned away, as quickly as he had started towards me. I looked up as he made his way through the shelves of books, taking the spark of terrifying hope with him. I had probably imagined him seeing me. I looked around and saw a pretty brown haired woman sitting in the café as well, her short black dress hiked up a bit, exposing a tanned thigh. She had delicate glasses that were in her hands, one end taping at the corner of her rose red lips while she read. The woman was gorgeous, thin, tall like him it seemed, she had a generously sized chest, and a flawless complexion. She was someone special. So was he… Someone like him would never see a nobody like me.

Author's Note: Reviews are very welcome, and I want to thank all of those who did review, I would normally list your names, but, I am dumb and didn't write them all down and I don't have internet access on my net book. I also thank those who added me to their alerts, and favorites, to was really nice to check my email and see all the love you guys sent. Until next time, so long.

Also, this got updated so much later than planned at first because I forgot about drama club tech week and selling my soul to the director, therefore exhausting myself and having no free time at all. Sorry!

Preview: "You're Axel." He said after another long pause, and I nodded, smirking a little as the girl at a near by table got up and left, dropping a few bucks on the table in a tip. I hadn't paid her any attention, because he was looking at me, with this odd expression. It was almost like he wanted to say something but didn't quite know how to. His pastel blue eyes were brightly aware of my own green ones. He was unsmiling, but I couldn't help but grin at the younger. He was such an odd one, so unique and beautiful within his own rights.


	3. Picture

**Empty**

_3. Picture_

Pairings: Zexion/Axel, Demyx/Roxas, and possible Sora/Riku

Rating: M

Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

Summary:

Author's Note: I'm really sorry that this is so late . I just haven't been in the right mood to write this fic, and I don't want to mess it up like I messed up my other one. I also apologize for having such short chapters. This one is the longest yet, but not by much. Again, I just want to get it right.

**Axel.**

I felt like a creep. What I was doing made me one. I had my camera out, zoomed in on the artistic emo. His plaid fashion scarf was puffed out of his coal tailored coat. His hair hung down softly, a soft color, delicate and fragile. His eyes were focused on a book, hiding between thick rimmed glasses, one hand holding the mug of his coffee. His thin little legs were crossed, and his lips pressed softly together. I wondered distractedly if he knew how gorgeous he was. I clicked a picture and almost flinched at the harshness of the sound in the quiet store. He looked up, but didn't see me. I snapped another picture when his lips parted, and he craned his neck to look around, his coffee left alone as he pressed his free palm to the table, and his book dipped close to the table.

He looked in my direction this time, but didn't see me, the boy chewed his lip, and went back to his book. I packed up my things and slung my bag over my shoulder. I wasn't even too sure why I had been taking a picture of him, it was just an impulse that I gave in to. He was certainly gorgeous, it would be good thinspo, but also, it'd give me that other escape… I slipped unnoticed out of the shop, and sat at the wheel of my car. My cell phone was vibrating frantically in my pocket, with texts from Demyx probably. I had been ignoring him for about an hour now. I couldn't be home for another two hours, what could it kill me to go annoy that emo boy? He sat behind me in English class, he was ahead of me in that class, the only person I had to beat. Zexion, that was his name. I flicked open my phone and read through the range of emotions my friend had sent me in an array of texts.

I chewed on my lip, snapped my hair elastic harshly and went back to the store, my camera tucked safely in my messenger bag. He didn't look up this time as I approached him. His forehead was being cupped by his palm, and his glasses were tossed aside, the book dog-eared and left astray.

"Head ache?" I inquired, slinging myself down onto the chair opposite him, delighting in his startled jump of surprise, and then the fleeting panic he hid quickly.

"Yeah," he mumbled a few moments too late, much more interested in studying me, which made me feel self-conscious. His eyes were piercing, almost as if they could see inside of my mind and pick me apart. I scolded myself for being silly, and chuckled, while tipping my chair back a bit, so it was rocking.

"You're Zexion, right?" The look that he gave me was so unique, I wished I could have gotten a picture of it. He looked _astonished_ that I knew his name. Now, I was well aware he was not too popular, he stayed to himself mostly, and he didn't go out with anyone I knew, but even still, did he think he was truly unknown? I smiled a little as he nodded, his pale lips pressed in a defiant expression that said something along the lines of I-will-not-sit-with-my-mouth-gaping-open. It was adorable.

"You're Axel." He said after another long pause, and I nodded, smirking a little as the girl at a near by table got up and left, dropping a few bucks on the table in a tip. I hadn't paid her any attention, because he was looking at me, with this odd expression. It was almost like he wanted to say something but didn't quite know how to. His pastel blue eyes were brightly aware of my own green ones. He was unsmiling, but I couldn't help but grin at the younger. He was such an odd one, so unique and beautiful within his own rights.

"That I am, do you mind if I stay here with you?" I inquired, leaning forward, and pushing around invisible pieces of sugar on the table with my fingertips. His tilted his head to the side, and leant back in his own seat, adjusting his sleeves.

"I wouldn't mind, but I don't have any more money on me right now," he replied almost mournfully, as if buying me coffee was something he had always wanted to do, and he was now losing that chance because his money was short.

"It's alright, I've got some extra cash on me I think." I smirked, as he nodded nervously. I thought he was so peculiar, and awkward, but in such a good way. It made no sense to me, but I didn't want to be without this boy right now, I liked the company. When a waitress came over to clean the other table, I flagged her down and ordered a cup of black coffee. She nodded and smiled exuberantly at Zexion, her deep brown eyes excited, while his cheeks flushed pink.

"Do you come here often?" I inquired, watching as he sipped his warm drink, and then raised his eyes to me. His eyelashes were so lush, framing his eyes so perfectly.

"Yeah, all the time," he said more fluidly than before, when I had taken him by surprise, he seemed to be recovering a little bit. I really liked the way he pursed his lips a little, and stroked the spine of his book. It made me wonder if I was just keeping him from continuing reading though. Maybe I was just burdening him with my incessant chatter. My phone vibrated in my pocket again.

"That's cool, I wish I had a quiet little place like this all of my own to hang out in…" I said while the waitress gave me my coffee, and smiled pleasantly at me. I thanked her and took a sip of the bitter liquid. Silence carried on for a while, in which I looked over the warm storefront, and he watched me or just fidgeted.

"You could always come here," he said suddenly, startling us both. He blinked quickly a few times, and licked his bottom lips. "I mean, it's not like many people come here, and I'm not opposed to sharing," he trailed off, while fiddling with his glasses, and returning them to his face. I smiled brightly at the emo, and nodded.

"Alright then, I'll keep that in mind." I chuckled a little and shook my hands through my hair. The corner of his lips turned up, into an almost smile. "So how are you?" I asked him, receiving another tilt of his head, and a motion to get the hair out of his face. "I'm alright, how about you?" He shot back, and I had to smile. I was falling apart it felt like, I was tearing at the seams, I was about ready to explode….

"I'm good," I chuckled again, actually feeling nervous with him now. His eyes were trailing over my skin, over my neck, he took in my hair, and it almost seemed like he was devouring me…

"How do you get your hair to do that?" Came his sudden, interjected question. I laughed a little and shrugged.

"Hairspray, I guess, why?" My tone was playful, but at my last word, his cheeks slowly turned a deep colored pink.

"I don't know, sometimes in English, I can't see the board, because it's in the way sometimes, so, I, um, just kind of… look at it." He said slowly, seeming almost evasive, but I had a feeling that it was not that at all, it seemed like he was a little school girl. Or just obnoxiously socially awkward.

"You're adorable," I chuckled out finally, and his gaze shot at me. "Has anyone ever told you that?" I continued to laugh, only more gently now. He shook his head, and I smiled. "Well, you are."

"Th-thanks," was his mousy reply. I sipped on more of my coffee while watching him try not to watch me, and I have to admit that it was amusing. After a while he yawned, and wrinkled up his nose a little. It was so cold outside… but maybe he'd go for it.

"Would you take a walk with me?" He looked up from the table, and nodded a little in response. "Cool, do you mind if we stop by my car? I want to get my camera."

Author's Note: Thank you for reading =] There should be a new chapter up soon, I hope. I'm going to try anyways… Thank you for all the reviews last time, and the large quantity of favs, alerts, and such. It's really sweet of you guys! Until next time… BYE BYE!

Preview: "Hey! Earth to emo!" He waved a hand in my face, and snapped me out of the downward spiral of thoughts. I knew for a fact he had not said anything, because I had been focusing on him, he apparently did not want me to zone out at all though.

"I have a name, scene queen." I replied, feeling like a snappy bitch, as I barked up at him, taking a step forward as he stopped walking in front of me, where he had jumped while calling me back to reality.

"I'm not a scene queen!" He said flatly, his face disgruntled, and his brows furrowed deliciously.

"Dork." Was all I said in reply, before I found myself fighting off the surge of butterflies in my stomach, because they wanted to come flying out my mouth and I doubted Axel would speak to me if I threw up on him.


	4. Snowflakes

**Empty**

_4. Snowflakes_

Pairings: Zexion/Axel, Demyx/Roxas, and possible Sora/Riku

Rating: M

Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

Summary:

Author's Note: Enjoy! Please review when you're done!

**Zexion.**

I couldn't understand why he was talking to me. I wondered idly if I had fallen asleep on my book, and was simply dreaming, it made sense, but it would also be embarrassing. I didn't believe in being able to control your dreams though, and to control them, the first step was realizing that you were in fact dreaming. So, in my mind, since I had come to the conclusion I was dreaming, I could not be! I wasn't sure if I made sense to anyone else sometimes, but all that mattered was that I understood myself.

The wind was biting and frigid as it invaded the warmth of my petticoat, my nose was probably turning red. How absolutely attractive. Snowflakes wandered down through the crisp blue expanse and I looked up, out of my own childhood wonder, through the naked branches of the trees and up into the unforgiving cerulean. His camera snapped, and I looked at him, startled. His feline grin betrayed excitement and a cool happiness. The lens was focused on me still, one acid green eye shielded by the black machine. His hair was fierce in comparison to everything around us. He clicked another one. I was bewildered.

"What are you doing?"

"Taking pictures." His lips curled into a smirk, and his eyes narrowed with an effort to keep it as such, and not a smile. I had to roll my eyes, before I puffed out air in a false expression of exasperation.

"Yes, I understood that much, but why are you taking pictures of me? Why not the trees, and the earth?" I asked while jamming my hands into my pockets because they were like ice from the cold and the skin already appeared like a snake's belly, I didn't need it to get any worse. I looked down at my feet on the sidewalk, the black boots clacking peacefully, two of my steps for every one of his.

"Nature isn't as interesting right now, emo." He jabbed, winking as I glanced over at him. Why was he so aggravatingly entrancing? I wanted to take his head by his hair, and drown in the fire red locks, I wanted to let go and drown in _him_. I didn't know why I admired him so much, I had since I could remember. We were seniors in high school now. I had been the idiot stammering along behind his shadow since freshman year when I transferred to Hollow Bastion High. I had fit perfectly into my little "emo" group, but I had immediately looked up to Axel. It was hopeless. Just fucking hopeless and I knew it from the start, but that had never stopped me.

"You make no sense. Nature is always interesting, it's always changing and morphing and it has such raw beauty all the time." I countered, glaring at him a little, only to be rewarded with him snapping another shot of me.

"I didn't say it wasn't interesting, I said it wasn't _as_ interesting. Got it memorized?" Oh… his catch phrase, how melodic from his lips, like birds fluttering down, their wing spans brushing my ears and cheeks, showering me in their power. I was completely like a school girl, blushing from my own thoughts, and dying for him to speak again. I didn't understand why this happened, on this day, in such an odd fashion. I didn't want to care, I wanted to pretend he wouldn't ignore me at school, I wanted to pretend that this meant something to him. In reality, I was probably just some random person to pass his time with. Good enough for the moment, but never for too long.

"Hey! Earth to emo!" He waved a hand in my face, and snapped me out of the downward spiral of thoughts. I knew for a fact he had not said anything, because I had been focusing on him, he apparently did not want me to zone out at all though.

"I have a name, scene queen." I replied, feeling like a snappy bitch, as I barked up at him, taking a step forward as he stopped walking in front of me, where he had jumped while calling me back to reality.

"I'm not a scene queen!" He said flatly, his face disgruntled, and his brows furrowed deliciously.

"Dork." Was all I said in reply, before I found myself fighting off the surge of butterflies in my stomach, because they wanted to come flying out my mouth and I doubted Axel would speak to me if I threw up on him. He smiled and laughed, seeming pleased when I returned the sentiment, feeling every bit as happy as I looked. I expected the sound of his camera, capturing my real smile.

I hated the way my smile looked.

"Do you want copies of these?" He asked, after walking a while in silence, both of us looking around, until he lead me off the sidewalk and over to a fountain, that was still running, the water looking like diamonds as it fell elegantly through the mist from our lungs.

"No," I replied, watching the water, as I let it dance in my hands, getting my jacket a little wet. I shivered from the cold and was half tempted to pull my hand back, but the numbness set in rather quickly, and I enjoyed the stream falling over my fingers. Snow was falling again, heavier this time, small clumps catching in my hair, and along my face. I knew he was taking pictures, I could hear the snaps, but I couldn't care less.

"Why not?" His voice was like cinnamon, heavy with flavor, but light in tone.

"I don't like pictures of myself," I replied, glancing at him, the nervousness coming back. He smiled, taking one final shot of me, hands still in the fountain, glistening water all over my fingertips, and snowflakes delicately stuck onto my eyelashes.

"I think you look wonderful." He said seriously, making me blush deeply and fidget.

"Th-thanks," I replied, pulling my hands back, and drying them on the body of my jacket a little. I was shaking from more than just the cold, but I knew that's all he would see. He smiled at me and I jammed my hands into my pockets, finding my gloves and putting them on.

"Are you sure you don't want any copies?" He pressured, while he watched me rub my hands together to alleviate the cold. I shook my head, glancing up at him, as he packed away his camera.

"I'm set, thanks though, scene queen." He mocked a glare at me, and I chuckled a little to myself, less because it was funny, and more because of how amazing he looked when his eyes narrowed like feline's and the poison apple green seemed to smolder in the most beautiful way.

Author's Note: Please review =] thank you! Also, a big thanks to those of you who have already reviewed and favorited/alerted and of course shadow readers =] Until next time, Adieu.

Preview: "Yeah, kid, why wouldn't I?" I laughed outwardly, and received a sharp glare from the woman sitting beside us. I chuckled more darkly, not minding that I was annoying her, because I had Zexion's undivided attention. I had a smile that flittered over his face, like a vagrant butterfly on a spring day. I had a warmth in his eyes that shown violently over his features that were more stoic than my own. I had a blush rising to his cheeks as I winked at him before speaking. "I'll be waiting, got it memorized?"

"Of course." He shook his head, and forced himself to focus more, his hair was over his eyes now. He removed his glasses, dog-eared the page, and closed the book before he returned it to his messenger bag. "Can I get you some coffee, Axel?" He offered, both of his hands gripping his own mug, and his body leaned forward, showing how engaged in the conversation he was. He was like a flower, opening up to me, I was the sun. I nearly laughed at my own thoughts and how arrogantly wrong they were.


	5. Coffee

**Empty**

_5. Coffee_

Pairings: Zexion/Axel, Demyx/Roxas, and possible Sora/Riku

Rating: M

Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

Summary:

Author's Note: I'm sorry this is really late… like all my other chapters… I should figure out a regular basis to upload on or something…

**Axel.**

The room was dark, the glow of soft red light pervaded the abyss of black. I could see faintly the developing pictures and they all looked amazing- the emo had no unattractive- - let alone _bad_ side. The smell of vinegar was sharp, it forced my head to swim in nausea so I pleasantly continued dwelling in the room. If I felt sick for dinner, then I'd be less likely to eat. I curled my fingertips into my palm and leaned my knuckles onto the table to view a picture still in the watery solution. I could vaguely see the outlines of the photo coming into view.

My laptop was still on when I exited my closet dark room, my personal lodging was blacked out as well, so that when I opened the door, my pictures would not be ruined. I had already scanned some of the film into my computer, Iwas looking to manipulate and edit, to play around with my emo. I could change around the colors, I could fade it into black and white, I could do anything…

"Axel, Reno, dinner is ready!" I heard my mother call from downstairs and my brother call something muffled from a room down the hall, closer to the stairs. I sighed, and pushed away from my pictures of Zexion before I grabbed a water bottle, I chugged it and left the room. Two hundred. I was allowed two hundred calories. When you really think about it, that's a lot. I mean sure, it's one tenth of what most people ate, but you could do a lot with it if you knew what to look for.

I sat down after getting another tall glass of ice water, my stomach rumbled quietly, it gurgled and drowned under the sixteen ounces I had already taken. It ached a little, but I sipped at the cold water and I smiled at my mother as she placed the meat onto the table. I had gone vegetarian, so beside the meat was a heap of summer squash, smothered in salt and butter. Near to that was some salad and there was a loaf of Italian bread. Bread.. Bread… God there was bread. I looked away from it and sipped the water some more, helping myself to the salad, and a little of the squash. I didn't count lettuce as calories because it was supposed to be negative. Some people said negative calories didn't exist, but I trusted that they did. I was still careful though, and put vinegar over the leaves, because it would stop fat from being absorbed.

"Axel, are you alright? You look pale." My mother commented softly, concern was etched into her features. Oh mother, you don't notice? I'm snow, I'm cold, I'm going to melt and die.

"I'm just tired, with all these projects for school, it's insane." I laughed lightly, waving a hand. "All I need is a good night's sleep." Reno scoffed from beside me, his hair was tied back into a braid still, but his hair hung in his eyes. He cut the meat, and ate it so carelessly. How did he do that? I could see the fat on the slice he was eating. I didn't know if I wanted to hurl or devour it myself.

"Alright Axel, have you been taking your vitamins?"

"Yes, mother."

! ! !

Five more minutes. Just five. That wasn't many. I forced my eyes away from the clock. I made myself think of other things. Zexion's legs were so thin. Four and a half. He was so thin. Four minutes. He would be able to slip through places I couldn't because he was so thin… Three and a half… Demyx was losing weight too, I had to lose more, I couldn't stand next to him and not feel like a cow. Three minutes, just three. I heaved myself up once again, another set of sit-ups, another set of push ups. Two minutes. I was feeling so tired. My muscles ached, and my eyes cried out to be shut. One minute. I jogged in place, thinking of Zexion's little legs, and Demyx's narrow waist. When the clock said it was okay to stop, I felt myself sigh in relief. Two and a half hours was hard some days, but I had to do it… I had to. There was no choice. Exercise was an important part of every person's life. Especially mine. Sleep came quickly like normal and the blankness of the state was welcomed.

! ! !

He sat in his seat behind me, Demyx sat diagonal from him, in his usual one as well. The blonde smiled at me as I walked in, and Zexion's eyes shot up to me, but then immediately to his book when our gaze locked together. What was I going to do? I could explain to Demyx my mother needed a book and I ran out… Yeah, I could.

"Ax, you ignored all of my texts last night!" Demyx complained as I sat down side ways next to him and made sure to sit up straight.

"Sorry kid, I fell asleep real early, got it memorized?" I tilted my head a little to look at the emo seated behind me. His eyes danced up to mine, his arms were on the covers of his book, holding it like a baby on his desk. He was holding it so tightly his knuckles were turning white. He had his glasses on and behind them, his eyes rested onto the words again. A blush rose to his cheeks, his lips tensed like he was going to bite them, but he resisted.

"Hey, Zexion." I greeted and received a quick glance, before he sank down into his seat a little and his shoulders went up around his head, showing off his sharp collarbones.

"Hi, Axel." His tone was hushed, almost mousy and the way his eyes darted from Demyx to the book to me, well, it reminded me of beauty in cliché. I was a bad romance novel because his embarrassment was endearing. I wanted to ruffle his hair. I laughed lightly, and looked at Demyx who seemed confused.

"Demy, this is Zexion, I met him yesterday while on a novel run for mom." I smirked and flicked my hair away from my eyes. Zexion watched as if entranced.

"Hey Zexy," Demyx half waved with two fingers. Zexion nodded at him a little, glaring at the nickname.

"Demyx." Was his acknowledgment after a few moments.

"You two know each other?" I asked, a little shocked, my eyes darting between them. Both nodded slowly, and looked away from me and one another.

"We live near each other." Demyx answered finally.

"That's cool! How come you never mentioned that?" I asked, and laughed a little.

"I never knew you were interested." Was all Demyx said. Things seemed more tense than anyone else wanted, so I nodded a little, and pulled out my water bottle.

"Well, maybe we can all hang sometime," I offered hesitantly.

"I'm busy." Was the emo's response not even a full second after my suggestion. He looked dejected and angry, but the teacher called the class to attention before I could react really.

! ! !

Demyx looked like I had just slapped him across the face.

"I'm really sorry, Dems." I said softly, this wasn't fair to him, I shifted uncomfortably. I had been ditching him every day for quite a while now…

"It's alright," he sighed softly, his eyes averted and showing it in fact was not alright at all. I wanted to tell him I would hang out with him, but I couldn't risk him making me eat. The boy ate so much and never gained an ounce…

"Tomorrow, I promise, okay kid?" I offered, and patted his back. I felt better once his abject expression had vanished, replaced by one that was bright. "I just really need to focus on school right now, got it memorized?" He laughed and nodded.

"Yeah, I just miss you is all, jerk!" He had brightened considerably, and when we parted, a skip was back in his step. I wouldn't be able to ditch him tomorrow. I ran my hand back through my hair before I lit up a cigarette and reveled in the burn it gave my lungs. I loved the heat of the smoke as it roamed through my lungs. I sucked the cancer stick dry, and then flicked the butt away from me, turned to my car, and drove away, the nicotine energized me.

I pulled out into traffic, I ignored the snow banks, ignored the pain in my gut, and instead I drove to the bookstore. Zexion would have to be there. He'd have to. I really wanted him to be. The shop smelt like coffee, dust and ink. I loved the bitterness of it, I loved the way he looked so beautiful while he glanced up from his book, his fingertips on the white ceramic of the coffee mug. I loved the seizure of panic that overtook his face, but then evened out as he peered at his book once again and turned away from me a little. I sat across from him and took in the sight before me. A purple and black scarf today, the same black tailored coat, his eyes were brightly missing any eyeliner, and his glasses were slightly crooked. His cheekbones rose high on his face, his lips pouted a little and his eagerness to talk was prevalent even then.

"Good afternoon, gorgeous." I greeted him, actually getting a scoffing nervous sound in return and his cheeks turned scarlet. The woman who had been near him the day previous looked up at us distastefully.

"Hello, Axel." He said softly, while he shrunk back into his fashion scarf that poofed over the top of his coat. His glasses were in dark contrast to his cream complexion and red cheeks.

"How're you?" I smirked a little, and toyed with the urge to add 'love' to the end of that.

"I'm okay. How are you?" His tone hinted otherwise but I doubted he wanted to talk about it, and hell, it could have been the oddity of my appearance.

"I'm good." A lie. "What are you reading?" He showed me, and it was something about Christian Spirituality. The cover had a bridge and the title was "Blue Like Jazz" yet it didn't seem to have anything to do with jazz music… "What's it about?"

"It's sort of a memoir by this guy, Donald Miller. He's a Christian and he writes a lot of Christian literature, but this is just him… explaining it in a non-religious way. He tells why it's important and relevant to him. It's really interesting. I'm not religious, but I really like the messages that he's trying to get across. Things such as charity, grace, love, and nurturing others." He said, the words poured from his lips like he had just been dying to tell someone about it. It was the most I had heard him say at any one moment, and I liked it. A real smile broke across my face as he spoke, and I found I wanted to listen to him keep talking.

"Don't stop there, babe, you can keep going." I laughed a little, and his unabashed grin was brilliant, along with the gentle blush that rose to his cheeks. Was saying babe too much?

"Well, okay, he starts off talking about his father who was not a real figure in his life. He goes on about his poor family, and strict religion as a child. He talks about his view of God, and he speculates why they label him as a father when the title is a tad ambiguous. You know? Like, tons of people have shitty fathers. So he moves on and he discusses why you should do the right things for people. He makes you think about things, like your motives, your own selfishness, and I really love the odd ideas he brings up. I recommend it to you." He finished with a small giggle, and it was by far the most adorable thing he had done yet.

"It sounds really nice, could I borrow it when you're done?" I asked, which lit up his eyes.

"You'd really want to?" His mouth hung open a little, in the most charming way ever.

"Yeah, kid, why wouldn't I?" I laughed outwardly, and received a sharp glare from the woman sitting beside us. I chuckled more darkly, not minding that I was annoying her, because I had Zexion's undivided attention. I had a smile that flittered over his face, like a vagrant butterfly on a spring day. I had a warmth in his eyes that shown violently over his features that were more stoic than my own. I had a blush rising to his cheeks as I winked at him before speaking. "I'll be waiting, got it memorized?"

"Of course." He shook his head, and forced himself to focus more, his hair was over his eyes now. He removed his glasses, dog-eared the page, and closed the book before he returned it to his messenger bag. "Can I get you some coffee, Axel?" He offered, both of his hands gripping his own mug, and his body leaned forward, showing how engaged in the conversation he was. He was like a flower, opening up to me, I was the sun. I nearly laughed at my own thoughts and how arrogantly wrong they were.

"I'll get it, babe." His flustered smile returned, but I laughed a little once again while I got up and received my own mug. When I returned to the small circular table, he had laid a napkin down for me. My phone was silent this time as I sat with him. His eyes were so blue, and so full of life. I loved looking at him. He was beautiful, in a girlish way even, the pout of his lips as he listened to me talking, the curve of his neck, the way his hair looked so soft, the way he laughed at my jokes. We talked for hours, about everything, and nothing all at the same time.

He was an only child, he lived with his father, Demyx's sister had beaten him up once or twice. His favorite color was red, his favorite number was six, he liked cats but didn't have one, and he was interested in psychology. He was one of the smartest people I had ever spoken to. I wanted to devour him. Everything that he wore, did, said, and thought… I wanted all those things to be mine. He was an amazing person. Why had I not talked to him before? I wanted to punch myself in the face for not meeting him sooner. He was so interesting, so different from everyone else around me.

That night I sat in my dark room as I developed all the pictures of him that I had not the night before. I looked at the curves of his face, the colors of his eyes, the way his lips parted as he looked at the sky in childhood wonder. I replayed the conversation we had again and again in my mind. I listened to his voice in my mind's eye as I did my push ups and sit ups. I ended the work out early, because I couldn't focus. To make up for it, a cold shower rained down my body, taking the warmth of the work out away. Cold showers burnt about two hundred calories. I shivered while climbing into bed, under the electric heater blanket, and I found it annoying finally, when sleep evaded me. I had to hang out with Demyx in the following day, I needed sleep to stay strong, but all I could think about was _him_ and his fucking pretty eyes, and soft hair.

Author's Note: Hey! So I'm done. This one was longer, huzzah! Review please! 3 By the way, "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller is a real book, I read it recently and the only reason I read it was because it was recommended by To Write Love On Her Arms () and it's a really good book. It is all about Christianity but it isn't like "oh, do this now" it's nice. I'm not religious at all haha.

Preview: "Stay with me." He commanded when he stood only a foot away from me. My black beanie was set askew as his fingers drifted through my hair. His hand wrapped around a few strands and I leaned forward from simple instinct. His lips were sharp, flat but inviting looking. I noticed I was staring when they twisted into a smirk, I knew that a blush colored my face but I tried to ignore that fact.

"Okay," I half whispered because the birds were absent, there was no wind and the only sounds to be heard were our breathing and the words uttered into the near silence. A car passed in the distance and a twig snapped as a small animal scurried around behind me somewhere. None of that was relevant though, they were simply things to focus on besides the acrid green eyes held by my long standing crush that were focused so intently on mine. Something besides his scent of cinnamon and smoke… Something besides the way his skin was so flawless, his features so sharp and those small flat sections of his lips that stretched in a thin but firm smile.


	6. Beauty

**Empty**

_6. Beauty_

Pairings: Zexion/Axel, Demyx/Roxas, and possible Sora/Riku

Rating: M

Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

Summary:

Author's Note: Thank you to all the people sending me love. I'm sorry I don't think I've been answering all the reviews, but I'm really not sure. I've been kind of out of it lately. On the bright side I graduated and therefore I will have more time to write… In theory anyways, almost everyday I've been so busy though so I'm not sure what's going on haha but I write at night now since I apparently don't sleep anymore.

Also, as you can see I replaced all the other chapters. I'm adding this intro format to every chapter and such and I really just wanted to have my newer stories be like this and I just wanted to put it in this into Empty like it will be in my new Dexion fic. (That will be coming out um…. Soon? I think.)

Anyways, ENJOY!

**Zexion.**

He was looking at me again and I could feel the pressure of his gaze. All the hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end. I could smell his vaguely cinnamon cologne and in the hush of the library I could almost hear each ex-hail he released. I wanted to turn to my side where he sat and I wanted to say something to him, but I just fixed my attention back on my book. I wasn't even reading the words, each little letter seemed to be like scribbles to my mind, as I focused all of my energy on him.

He knew I existed now. Axel knew that I existed. He called me gorgeous, Axel, sceney-weeney called _me_, emo little Zexion, gorgeous. What had happened to the world? Since when did _I _get recognition from the most striking boy in the whole school?

He clicked his tongue a little to get my attention which worked because I looked up immediately. His smile was radiant in its completion.

"Let's get out of here." He whispered while leaning closer, which forced his face to be nearer to my own. I could have sworn my heart palpitated.

"Axel, I'm reading." I argued back, simply nervous and not wanting to be taken further from my comfort zone when he would stay so near to me even if we did not leave the library.

"Babe, you've been on the same page for at the very least," he looked to the clock and tapped his chin for a small amount of time. "Ten minutes I'd say. You're not actually reading, got it memorized?" He winked and leaned a little bit closer. "Come with me, Zexion." His tone was so low, the words whispered close to me that I could smell his mint-scented breath.

"O-okay."

! ! ! !

His footprints trailed ahead of mine in the white powder that covered the ground. The woods around the rural library had been practically untouched by animals. The snow there was still pure and fresh. I fluffed my scarf up more so the red and black stripes covered my chin a bit and I then had to tug on my sleeves and readjust my gloves. I wanted to touch my hair to see if it was alright, because Axel was taking me somewhere to be alone… I needed to look nice.

"I like it back here," the redhead said as he brushed a snowdrift off of an especially large rock. He sat down carefully and looked at me. His thin little legs showed through tight jeans, his chest puffed out with the black marshmallow part of his coat. I wanted to pet the fur that surrounded his face while the hood hid his hair and it was so wonderful to look at the outline of his muscles in the black sweater material that covered his arms. Out of his pocket he pulled a cancer stick and placed it sexily in between his pale lips.

"It's beautiful," I responded and ignored the cold that was seeping through my canvas top shoes to refocus on him. His feet were in converse and must have been freezing too...

"You haven't even looked around. You've been staring at me." His tone was playful and coy, almost like he was flirting with me. Why would Axel be flirting with _me_, Zexion the emo? I didn't quite understand why he spent so much time with me either. I could not comprehend why we were suddenly friends… It was a dream come true… No matter how cliché that sounded.

"Oh yeah," I commented softly and forced myself to glance around while he chuckled and puffed away, a kink in his eyebrows as he watched me.

"You're interesting, Zexy."

"Thank you? I think you're more interesting." I commented offhandedly with my gaze locked onto his once more. My fingers were so cold and the chill was nipping at my nose.

"That's just because you don't know me, I'm actually pretty boring. We have to go back soon, Demyx will be getting out of tutoring in a few minutes." He said without a smile and despite that, a flame of jealousy sparked in my stomach. I'd never have Axel like Demyx did…

"I can go now."

"No," he said quickly and dropped the cigarette into the snow before he walked forward towards me. I stood still with a stoic and uncaring expression plastered on my face, but my heart was jumping out of my chest as it tried to tackle the fiery boy with a bout of smothering. I could see the mist of my breathing speed. "Stay with me." He commanded when he stood only a foot away from me. My black beanie was set askew as his fingers drifted through my hair. His hand wrapped around a few strands and I leaned forward from simple instinct. His lips were sharp, flat but inviting looking. I noticed I was staring when they twisted into a smirk, I knew that a blush colored my face but I tried to ignore that fact.

"Okay," I half whispered because the birds were absent, there was no wind and the only sounds to be heard were our breathing and the words uttered into the near silence. A car passed in the distance and a twig snapped as a small animal scurried around behind me somewhere. None of that was relevant though, they were simply things to focus on besides the acrid green eyes held by my long standing crush that were focused so intently on mine. Something besides his scent of cinnamon and smoke… Something besides the way his skin was so flawless, his features so sharp and especially something to focus on other than those small flat sections of his lips that stretched in a thin but firm smile.

"You're staring at my lips again, you know, when girls do that they usually want me to kiss them." His voice was so smooth like poison slipping lovingly into my skin, a wolf in sheep's skin. His words accused me, yet his tone made me melt more. I didn't know what to say, my eyes flew to his and they twinkled mischievously with triumph and something akin to excitement. My face felt like it was on fire and his fingertips felt like magic on the side of my cheek. "If I didn't know better, I would say the same about you." He winked and backed off before he motioned me to follow him back to the library. I could feel a shuddering let down crash all over my heart and I tried to force my breathing back to normal as my nerves calmed.

! ! ! !

The blonde was talking too quickly for me to understand what he was saying, something about the boy who was being his tutor. It had been his first session since he recently began to fall behind in math so he apparently had a lot to say.

"Dem, chill, I'm tired and I have a headache." Axel mumbled before he rubbed his temples and ignored a grumble from his stomach.

"I get hunger headaches sometimes, maybe that's what you've got." I suggested randomly and Axel shot daggers at me which caught me off guard since I had never seen him looking like that. My mouth hung open for a second before his expression vanished.

"You should eat more then, babe, you're so tiny." He laughed and I returned the gesture but it felt wrong. Demyx jumped up and down to recapture Axel's attention.

After a few more minutes they left the library to go to the mall or some other random destination. I had Axel's phone number in my phone and Demyx's too but I doubted that I would ever need to use that one.

! ! !

I had spent almost every day for a week with Axel and occasionally Demyx but they had been hanging out exclusively. I was a bit surprised to hear from Axel as I walked into my neighborhood. I had unlimited texts but I barely ever used them, so it was odd that one buzzed in my pocket. He wanted to know if I would go out with him later that night, but I didn't know what to say. I adjusted the shoulder of my messenger bag and asked what he had in mind. All I received while I stepped through my house's threshold was a winking emoticon and a cryptic 'it's a surprise' so I sighed and agreed but notified him that I would need a ride.

! ! !

I was standing at the little café and bookstore entrance. It was closed because what proper book store stayed open past nine at night? I had checked my phone multiple times for the time and discovered that Axel was over seven minutes late. I had been a half hour early. I regretted that decision and buried my face in my gloved hands. I had worn grey skinny jeans with a crisp black dress shirt, a floppy beanie that made my hair stick out of the sides and from underneath, I had put new gauges in my ears, I had adjusted my makeup, I was wearing cologne and I had put on a black undershirt with a flamboyant red chained necklace. My usual thick petticoat kept me warm and a red starred scarf was wrapped around my frigid face in hopes to avoid my nose turning red. I wanted to be perfect, I had to be perfect for Axel. My wallet was worn in my pocket but I hoped I had enough, I hadn't been getting any hours at work, despite showing up, and I was running low on money…

"Want some candy, kid?" A familiar voice called from a ways down the sidewalk and I turned to face the lanky redhead.

"Strangers have the best candy." I called back through the material of my scarf before I wandered towards him.

"Wow, style change," he commented while he motioned my face. "I think foreigners are cute and all but most people are not dealing well with the middle-eastern culture right now, you know, after the whole war thing." He teased lightly with a grin. "I have no problem with it, but I don't want to have to protect you so soon, it's only the first date." He laughed and I wanted to laugh but was shocked into silence, not that I had been saying anything in the first place.

"First date?" I questioned immediately and he shrugged in response, stepping closer.

"Do you want it to be?" He reminded me of the Cheshire Cat whose eyes were so large and his grin so wide it almost cracked his head in two…

"We're not dating, you're not even gay." I retorted and scoffed at the idea which he in turn laughed at.

"You're saying that you are, then?" The grin on his lips was dangerously playful and the way his gaze was unblinking and focused so intently on me made me wary of my answer. I had been called a faggot more times than I could remember but that was part of the style I wore, Axel would have dealt with the same if not more since scene kids were bold emo kids. I tried to figure out the answer to give him that would not cause harm to myself but my silence condemned me. "I'll take that as a yes before you can figure out a good enough lie." He laughed and tipped his head back in spite of my fear. His pale skin was visible and his Adam's apple bobbled a little as his gaze checked the stars. His arms hung limp with his hands tucked into his pockets and his breath misted the air with gentle puffs as he breathed out through his parted lips.

I wanted to recover the lost time and say that I was not gay, that I hadn't even thought about my sexuality until he had brought it up but that would be the most obvious lie I could have come up with. I was resisting violent shivers and losing feeling in my toes.

"Why do the stars look so much better when you're freezing down to the bone?" He asked the sky itself it seemed but I figured the question was free to be answered by me as well.

"Because beauty hurts to look at." My eyes were trained to him, trying to deceiver the odd expression that fitted itself on his face when he looked back at me. At best he looked confused, if not intrigued.

"You don't like beautiful things?" He inquired before he flickered a strand of hair from his face as a sudden frigid breeze stole it from its place beside his cheeks.

"Of course I like beautiful things, everyone does. Beauty hurts though, it hurts us all in some way. The cold is hurting right now, when we look at the beauty of other people on the television or ads in magazines we hurt inside. Roses have thorns, colorful animals are poisonous or have fangs and claws… All beauty is, is the embodiment of pain." I waved my gloved hand and sighed, feeling like I sounded like a book. I supposed that it was reasonable for me to sound like one since my nose was always stuffed in one, but either way he probably thought that I was an idiot.

"That's an interesting point," he nodded and tipped his head to the side to look at the stars the peeked over the top of the nearby trees. His eyes were unfocused though as he thought and swept his frail uncovered fingers through his hair once more.

"Where did you want to go?" I asked finally after deciding it was worth it to be rude if I could start walking and find some way to radiate heat.

"Come on, my car is around the corner." He motioned and smiled a little before he just walked away and assumed I would follow. I did of course and when we got to the car I was happily surprised with the fact that he had left it running and it was toasty inside. I climbed into the passenger side and immediately pulled my gloves off to rub my hands feverishly together and fumbled with the seatbelt with my half numb fingers. He chuckled softly and put his own belt on before pulling out into the parking lot and starting on the road. He had a new car, I didn't know what kind but it was a Saturn and it was black, the seats were soft and the interior was nearly spotless. He had his camera on the backseat and an air-freshener hung from the rearview mirror in the shape of a star. He had colored on it and it had swirls in sharpie marker and it was a cute addition to the atmosphere. I didn't pay much attention to where we were going but I figured that he wouldn't have a problem with finding his way back to the bookstore… I didn't want him to see my house.

"Do you have good balance?" His voice disturbed the silence and I had to focus my eyes onto his porcelain features. His eyes were glued on the road but he looked tired…

"Not really, why?"

"Have you ever been ice skating before?"

"No,"

"Do you want to?" He flickered his gaze to me for only a second and then gazed back to the road. I had to think for a minute because I had truly never been skating before, it was something that both seemed terrifying and intriguing. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of him though.

"I've never been before." I replied mildly and tried to calm the panicking butterflies in my stomach at the scenarios playing out in my mind of him laughing at me as I fell repeatedly.

"I can teach you," he chuckled lightly and fiddled with the radio until he got the disk player to work and techno music strung together the silence in-between our detached conversation.

"I'll look stupid." I commented quietly before I gazed out of the window, willing the scenery to pass more slowly as we got closer and closer to my humiliation.

"No you won't, Demyx will look stupid, you'll look great." He laughed and my attention snapped back to him.

"Demyx is going to be there?" I asked blandly and something passed over his face for a moment, was it jealousy?

"Yeah, he's bringing that guy who has been tutoring him." He mumbled and in turn I nodded because I didn't know what else to say. "I can bring you somewhere else if you don't want to try." He offered after a long silence. I looked around to where we were and determined that it was a long drive back to my little bookstore and I really did not want to be a burden to him.

"I can just watch you guys, it's alright." I said with a wave of my hand which was warmed up much more. My toes were on pins and needles though and it was uncomfortable to move them.

"I'll sit with you then," he smiled but it was not as genuine as his others.

"No, you have fun with your friends, I'm used to sitting off and watching, I like it." I lied very delicately because it was a touchy subject and even though I wanted to go and try skating with Axel, I was not willing to make an idiot out of myself in front of Demyx, him and everyone else at the rink. I hadn't even known there was a rink in our town…

"The point of asking you to hang out tonight was to spend time with you." He said flatly before he pulled into a parking lot that was by a wide open space with Christmas lights that blinked beautifully over a shimmering white surface. Demyx was already there with a blonde haired boy who seemed much more subdued than Axel's best friend who was jumping up and down next to the rink while waiting for hot apple cider or hot chocolate as the stand proclaimed. The smaller blonde watched the ball of energy as he spoke avidly about something and while I watched the scene I had forgotten to answer Axel who was patiently watching me. I noticed finally that the boy was waiting and I blinked a few times to think back to what he had said. While I gazed at the acid green eyes that bore into me I felt nervous once more. He was so patient with me…

"What if I fall?" I inquired at length and was rewarded with one of Axel's trademark ear-to-ear grins. He ruffled my bangs a little and turned his car off.

"Then I'll just have to help you up, won't I?" He winked and put his hand on the door handle. "Demyx seems hyper, watch out he has a thing for hugs." The redhead chuckled while getting out of the car and waiting for me to do the same before he locked it. I tugged my dark black gloves on and trailed behind the scene kid who had surprised me with an event in which I would humiliate myself in. How joyous. Before everyone else was in earshot a random thought struck me.

"I'm not gay." I commented finally and received a raised eyebrow while the redhead looked back at me.

"Where'd that come from?" He asked with an amused chuckle and a wink. "Who ever said it was a bad thing?" He smirked and motioned I walk beside him just as Demyx sprang out of nowhere and tackled him to the ground. Axel yelped in alarm as he tumbled to the ground with an overjoyed blonde on top of him who was giggling incessantly. Jealousy ignited in my belly and I ignored them before looking to the boy that was walking towards us with a reserved yet content expression. I knew him, he hung around with some of my friends though I only knew that he had a twin brother, that he was smart and that he was planning on going to college to be a doctor of some sort. His name was Roxas and he waved in greeting to me which I returned with a nod. My scarf had fallen down while in the car with Axel and I had not adjusted it because the warmth but I got the urge to wrap it around my face once again because my nose stung with the cold and I was getting annoyed with Demyx's needy chatter.

The two of them had gotten off the ground and were brushing themselves off while I contemplated Roxas more. The boy was wearing black jeans that were baggy but not obnoxiously so. He had chains on one of his hips with crown charms among other random things. He was wearing red gloves and a black and white checkered beanie. His coat was black and fitted to him like mine but he had no scarf to puff around his throat and keep him warm. Then again, Demyx didn't either. The taller blonde wasn't wearing a hat and I had to wonder if he was going to get sick or not. I wanted him to in a way, but then Axel would probably dote upon him and that would only make me more jealous.

"Zexy?" The annoying blonde asked while hanging his face in mine, much too close for comfort. I backed away and looked at him sourly.

"Yes, Demyx?"

"I want to say I'm sorry." He replied with a more demure tone and it sounded like he meant it. I nodded slowly and took in the fact that while I had zoned out in my fit of envy, I had missed Roxas and Axel leaving us alone. "I just don't want you to hate me, I'm pretty stupid sometimes and I hadn't been thinking." He explained slowly and looked genuinely worried that I would not accept his apology. To be honest I didn't know what I was going to do, he had set his sister on me who was a crazy bitch. He had been whining to her about not getting the job at the bookstore that I got and Larxene had decided to try and coerce me into quitting. I knew it wasn't his fault but he knew how she would react I figured, then again she was rather unpredictable.

"Don't worry about it, I'm not upset about it still. The bruises went away." I waved a hand dismissively at him and he seemed to brighten some.

"I owe you, Zexy, you know that, right?" He smiled in a anxious and passive way as if he was unsure of himself and I only shrugged.

"Why would you owe me anything?" I asked somewhat flippantly.

"Well, you know." He laughed and grabbed my arms quickly and pulled me towards where Axel and Roxas were standing by a booth that you could get skates from, the tall blonde thrust me to Axel who steadied me and looked back at Demyx who was hanging around behind Roxas trying to look innocent without cracking up. Axel insisted upon paying for my skates which I couldn't argue too much against because I needed the money I had left for food, we laced ourselves up tightly and the redhead helped me onto the ice. I locked my knees and felt terror sweep over my body for a moment while I was propelled forward without trying to be. Axel smiled and offered a hand to me before I flailed my arms a little and grasped his offered limb. He flipped around backwards and looked behind himself to lead us while I looked at my feet. I laughed a little at how odd it was of a sensation. I walked with the skates on the ice. It was not fluid or elegant looking but it worked… for a while. The moment Axel let me go and I looked up, I fell backwards and my ass crashed into the ice painfully.

"Oh fuck me." I growled at the slippery surface and ignored the hand Axel offered because I wanted to prove I could get up, but I only ended up flinging myself across the ice once more. Wonderful. I accepted the hand that was offered and sighed while I checked Axel's face that held only a sympathetic looking smile and no laughter.

"Push off, and point your toes where you want to go, watch out for the picks on the tip of the skates though, keep your weight a little centered and bend your knees a little, that might help you." He instructed gently with his hands on my hips and mine on his shoulders. I was staring at my feet once again and could only go as fast as Axel went backwards. I looked up after a few moments and avoided the acid eyes that were boring into my skull. I didn't want to make an idiot out of myself so I focused on everything around me. I did as he instructed and he moved away, to skate beside me gracefully instead of in front. I smiled delicately as I began to move somewhat irregularly but more fluidly than previously. I wobbled a little every so often but Axel affirmed my progress and told me how well I was doing. There was loud laughter from somewhere else on the ice and I turned my head carefully to see Demyx flying across the ice much faster than everyone else with Roxas trailing behind at a much safer speed. Demyx tried to turn to make the curve and come towards Axel and I but his momentum carried him straight into a snow bank on the side of the outdoor rink. Many patrons laughed and Demyx's howling laughter could be heard above all others. He jumped up and shot off towards Roxas who suddenly looked terrified as the ball of energy darted at him. Roxas keenly avoided him and Demyx slid across the ice and laid on his side laughing at the top of his lungs it seemed as Roxas chuckled gently in turn and gracefully went to the taller boy's side to offer a hand up. They both laughed as Roxas brushed Demyx's snow covered hair and jacket off while Axel shook his head.

"I told you that he would make an idiot out of himself." The redhead told me in an undertone to which I laughed. He was right, but Demyx didn't seem to care that he couldn't skate well, or that he had no clue how to stop. He quite often used Roxas as a human stopper and they both went crashing to the ice in a mass of yelling and giggling. I had to smile at them.

The night was more fun than I would have thought and I was not ready for it to end until we sat down for some drinks and I could feel all of the places where I ached from the many times I did fall. Axel told me how well I did and how he was surprised that I did as well as I had. He told me a hilarious story about the first time he had gone ice skating and it made me feel better about my own experience. Demyx was resting his head on Roxas's shoulder and he was yawning while trying to cuddle into the boy's hair. The smaller seemed to ignore him until Demyx randomly sunk his teeth into Roxas's neck.

"Demyx, what the hell?" He screeched in a somewhat feminine way while I snorted my hot chocolate and Axel covered his mouth to hide his laughter as the biter in question tried to look as innocent as he could. Roxas frowned at him and there was a tense moment before the taller blonde boy threw his hands up in the air.

"I… I got excited! God, I'm sorry!" He pouted in a truly adorable way and Roxas rubbed his sore spot before growling under his breath and going back to his cider.

"Don't fucking touch me again." He said tersely and in turn got a withering sound of shock.

"But… But Roxy!" Demyx groaned and leaned towards the tutor but Roxas shot him a glare that was oddly terrifying even to me.

"I will snap all the bones in your hands if you so much as breath on me wrong." He sniped and Demyx looked like his life had been threatened.

"But my sitar!" He exclaimed and Roxas shrugged in turn as Axel struggled to hold in his laughter.

"You better not touch me then, now should you?" He said in a sly tone and I got the feeling he was trying not to smile, but to hide that he sipped his drink gingerly. Demyx made a whimpering sound and slammed his head on the table for dramatic effect but only ended up looking like an idiot when he swore and had to hold where he had struck his skull into the surface.

"Serves you right, dumb blonde." Axel got out while finally releasing his laughter to which I could not hold back a large smile to. Demyx pouted and stuck his tongue out before grasping his hot chocolate. Axel just chuckled and rested his hands on his lap, without a drink to keep himself busy with.

Time passed with easy conversation between the three of them and encouraging nods from me. I didn't mind that I didn't fit well in their conversation because I wasn't overly talkative and it was a lot more fun to simply listen to them but as the witching hour swung closer and closer we retired to our own cars and bid each other farewell. Axel smiled at me once we were inside his pretty little car. We waited for it to warm up because it was still freezing outside and we needed to thaw out a bit. The redhead seemed much more tired than before and his lips were so purple it looked like he was wearing lipstick.

"Are you alright?" I asked softly while looking at the way he shivered gently and he laughed it off and nodded but I didn't quite think he was alright. "Take my gloves," I said quickly while I pushed them at him. He shook his head and smiled once more that stupid smile that tried to lie and say everything was fine.

"I'm good, I don't like gloves, mittens rock my world, I just need the heat to warm me up a little." He shrugged once more and turned the heat up all the way before rubbing his hands together in front of one of the blowers.

I couldn't stop looking at the blue of his veins on his frail hands, the way his cheeks even had goose bumps. I hadn't noticed it when we were outside but it was very noticeable in the half-light from the Christmas lights a little ways off. He closed his eyes for a minute and swayed gently like he was dizzy. I was getting the impression he was in no condition to drive and I didn't want him to be alone…

"Where do you live?" I asked him cautiously and in turn he peeled open his eyes in a dazed sort of way that showed how tired he was.

"Pleasant street, why?"

"Just drive us to your house, I don't live too far away, I want to walk home, you should get to bed soon." I said simply while I strapped myself into the seat.

"I'm not going to let you walk home this late," he scoffed and I had to roll my eyes.

"I don't want you driving alone, you look like you're going to pass out. Please, Axel, I'll be fine, alright? If it makes you feel better I'll call or text you when I get home." I reasoned and it looked like he was genuinely affected by my concern it because his face softened and he smiled a little.

"Alright, but I'm not going to bed until you let me know you're safe, got it memorized? Cute boys run the risk of getting raped." He told me with a finger wagging in my face an a knowing look plastered on his face before he smiled.

"The operative word being 'cute.'" I countered somewhat bitterly as my gaze drifted out of the window.

"You _are_ cute, babe."

"Just drive, Axel."

Author's Note: This one was a longer chapter =] finally! Review please!

Preview:

"That's alright," he said as he stood up and wandered over to his phone which was sitting on a pile of his clothing that was folded neatly on my desk chair. He made a disapproving noise at it and clicked away on his keyboard before he let it drop onto the clothing again. "Demyx is annoying, in the most endearing way possible." He mumbled into the air with a bitter tone.

"What did he do?"

"He asked if we 'got it on' or not." He rolled his eyes and used air quotes which forced me into a fit of laughter that almost woke me from the sleepy state in which I was sinking into quickly. It was almost four in the morning…

"And you said…?"

"I said that he should lay off the crack." His tone was frank and irritable which only made me laugh more. I liked how blunt he was, it was un-Zexy-like and it was hilarious.


	7. Cardinal

**Empty**

_7. Cardinal_

Pairings: Zexion/Axel, Demyx/Roxas, and possible Sora/Riku

Rating: M

Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

Summary:

Author's Note: Hello, hello! Thank you for all of your love! On with the chapter since I don't have much to say now….

**Axel.**

"You could stay overnight," I said slowly when he sighed in a detached manner while hesitating to get out of the car. The beautiful boy turned his eyes to me and I felt the odd sensation that he could see through me, yes, I did have motives but I also did not want him to walk home in the dead of night. I also knew full well that I was in no shape to drive and he would not allow it anyways. His face stayed blank and I tried my hardest to get inside of his head and figure him out but I could not. He was easily flustered but he was more used to me now that we had spent a great deal of time together.

"I couldn't do that." He replied at long last and my rising hopes fell along with my expression which caused him to look guilty immediately. I laughed slightly and shrugged before I leaned backwards and looked him over.

"Sure you could." I smirked out of habit and he seemed to see right through the act.

"It's rude and I don't have any clothing to wear tonight nor do I have a toothbrush and I really can't impose myself on your family and expect them to-"

"Shush, now listen, my mother has been hearing a lot about you lately so you have to meet her sometime, I know it sucks meeting your boyfriend's family but-"

"You're not my boyfriend." He interjected suddenly with his eyes so wide they looked like Frisbees. I had to laugh at the comical scene before me because he looked like a school girl of sorts with an odd sort of nervousness written all over every movement he made.

"I was making a joke, Zexy." I chuckled and fluffed his bangs which he did not react to in the least. "My mom would love to meet you and my father is away on a business trip still and I think my brother is staying over his girlfriend's house tonight." I said offhandedly in hopes that I could convince him to stay with me. "You can borrow my clothing and we probably have a spare toothbrush lying around."

"My father might wonder where I am." His gaze was blank once more, like he wasn't even looking at me.

"You can call?" I suggested with a perplexed tone because I didn't understand why he was concerned about his parents not accepting it. He was never home so I hadn't thought any adults of his would mind. I just wanted him to stay and I wasn't all that sure why, but it seemed like the right thing to want.

"No, it'd be better if I didn't." He said so distantly that I was getting worried. I felt like there was something wrong that he might not be telling me but then again, who was I to question his personal life? He would let me know if he wanted me to know.

"Come on, you can have the bed." I offered as a bride and he refocused his eyes onto mine with an odd smile.

"No, it's your house, you stay in your bed." He replied calmly before he opened the car door and let me lead him into my house, camera in tow.

"We could always share it," I winked and was rewarded with his normal disconcerted expression mingled with a spark of anticipation. "Oh, you mentioned that you were straight though." I chuckled at him and unlocked the door for us which gusted some warmth over the freezing temperatures of the porch. Zexion was silent as I removed my shoes and mentioned he could as well. He was tense but willing to remove his jacket, converse, hat and gloves. He was so timid while looking around my house I almost wanted to kiss him in the doorway but that was just a ridiculous idea. I locked up the front door once again and led him into the kitchen where I began brewing myself an herbal tea. His eyes ghosted over everything but his expression was eerily blank which I didn't exactly like.

"Drink?" I offered and was rewarded with his attention once more. I liked it when he paid attention to me and I loved the way he looked at me with those big blue eyes.

"Do you have coffee?" He inquired mildly before propping himself up on a stool at the breakfast counter. I only nodded and hummed as I set everything up for his and my drinks as the water simmered for my tea. "You have a really nice house," he said finally whilst I measured out sugar for him. I had never really thought about my house but I supposed I did, but it was not unlike any of my friend's houses.

"Thanks I guess, mom will love to hear that," I smiled and leant over the marble counter top to look him in the face better. "I may have a nice house, but you, my friend, have beautiful eyes." I winked coyly and he blushed profusely. It was a wonderful sight to see.

"Th-thanks, Axel."

"No problem, sugar lips." He shook his head in return to the pet name and pushed his fingers through his bangs. The strands sifted easily with the motions and he keenly avoided eye contact with me but I didn't mind too much, his face was just priceless. He looked like an abashed schoolgirl who was talking to her crush about _feelings_. Maybe he was a schoolgirl the reference was there in my mind and he was cute enough. The coffee pot growled absently and his gaze focused on the shined glass of it just as the water in the tea kettle began to wheeze.

"Axel, could I eat something please?" He asked timidly and I laughed lightly at him but felt an odd sense of dread settle over me. I was fine so long as I didn't have to eat anything. I could pass it off as me not being hungry but I wasn't feeling as strong as I always did.

"Of course, what do you eat?"

"Anything," he replied while shifting on the padded stool. I smiled at him and nodded while I finished making his coffee and then getting myself the tea. He thanked me when the steaming cup was placed in front of him. I had put it in a large white goblet-like ceramic cup that looked like something in an ostentatious coffee shop and in turn he held it like he would break it if he grasped too tightly. He half hid his face behind it while he watched me through the steam.

"Do you have anything against eggs?" I asked mildly before gulping the hot liquid to feel it burn all the way down my throat and into my stomach where it soothed the hunger pains.

"No, not at all." He tilted his head to the side and watched as I prepared the food carefully, making sure to butter everything properly and salt it all the best way I knew how to. I set everything onto a pale yellow dish and got a fork and knife for him. He smiled brightly when I set it all in front of him and the sight was cute. "Thanks so much, Axel!" He placed the cup down with an odd look of excitement and scoffed down the food without much thought. I watched… every movement of food into his mouth I inspected. I knew how many calories he had just eaten and it was a relatively small amount but he did it in no time and looked like he could go for seconds yet he did not ask.

"Do you ever eat?" I laughed and crossed my arms in the space of where I had sat down opposite him. "You look like you were half starved." His cheeks colored and he gently dabbed at his lips with a napkin.

"I… well I don't have too much money for food so I don't always get to…" His eyes were diverted but his expression told me how ashamed he was of that fact.

"You pay for your own food?" I couldn't help it when the question came from my lips so suddenly. I had never seen poverty outside of the times when they showed you on the television. All he did was nod and I was confused to point. "Why?" I asked after a moment because wouldn't his parents buy him food? Wouldn't they be providing for him? It made no sense to me…

"I have to." He still wouldn't look at me and I felt very dumb but pressed on despite the way he was acting and despite how I was making myself look.

"Why do you have to?"

"Because no one else will, alright? I pay my bills, I buy my food, I take care of Dad and I do what I have to." He snapped suddenly and caught me off-guard. I stared at him in shock and tried to piece it all together. I felt like the sheltered rich boy who didn't understand how someone could not have everything that he did, oh right, I was that ignorant boy with money.

"I'm sorry." I managed after a while of letting the information sink in while Zexion resorted to sipping his coffee and watching the creamy depths of it.

"It isn't your fault." He numbly replied as the silence dragged on and became suffocating.

"I know, you should come over for dinner. Mom would love it, she misses when I used to bring people home. She's going to love you. You'll always be welcome. She'd probably love to make you lunches too." I word-vomited and he suddenly flushed while shaking his head.

"I don't need pity." His voice was so strong and filled with pride it almost made me laugh if we weren't in such a serious situation. "I can take care of myself."

"I can see that, but having someone help you isn't all bad. It doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself." I said calmly, simply because I was still recovering from the shock of him snapping at me. He didn't reply but only finished the drink.

"Where would you like me to put these?" He asked before standing and I showed him the dish washer before I took him up the stairs to my room. It was a little before twelve-thirty and the room was blacked out still from me showing Demyx all the pictures I had developed of him in the days previous. He had found a stack of photographs of Zexion too. That had been why he made me bring Zexion to the rink, not that I minded. I flicked the light on and listened to the emo walk in behind me. He looked around slowly and I watched as his eyes took in all the colors that danced over my walls. I had painted the room myself, in warm colors that reflected with a shined finished. My desk sat with my laptop projecting my screensaver still. Fuck me, of course I had made it a slideshow for it, which included a few photos of him. I made an 'aha' noise and jumped over the nervously to shut the machine so he could not see it.

"Was that a picture of me?"

"No." I replied too quickly and he gave me a funny look but said nothing else. My bedding was black with orange sheets and one bright red pillow. That was where he focused his attention next and I sighed in relief.

Hours passed and once the initial awkwardness passed I showed him into my dark room and then gave him a change of clothing which lead to us both lounging in my room listening to quiet music and talking.

"Oh yeah, I bet she was all over that." He rolled his eyes at my ridiculously over-exaggerated tale of Reno's girlfriend and my 'bonding' day where I took her to a 'concert' fully equipped with a few strippers.

"Of course!" We laughed in unison and he snuggled down into the beanbag a little more before yawning. "What about you, tell me a story." I requested and he tapped his chin thoughtfully but ended up only shrugging.

"I don't have any good ones. I stick mostly to myself and I've moved a lot so I don't get close to anyone normally."

"Oh come on, you have to have at least one!" I stuck my tongue out and chuckled while he chewed his lips and thought more.

"Alright, so back at one of my other schools, there was this guy named Wakka and he was kind of a jock, but not like you or Demyx because he was like, hardcore." He punctuated that sentence with an adorable giggle that made me smile. I was barely listening to the story because I was much more interested in listening to his voice. "He didn't like me at all, but he was paying me to do his homework and papers. He was such an asshole to me, so this one time he needed a review of a book and so I picked this book called 'A Real Nice Prom Mess' and it's about this gay guy and his excursion to a gay bar on his prom night and how he ends up getting into a fight with his boyfriend. So he didn't even bother reading the paper but some girl saw the title and had read the book before so the whole school ended up thinking he was gay and hiding it. It was hilarious." He laughed in a bitter sort of way and looked distracted.

"What did he do when he found out?"

"Beat the shit out of me and told everyone I was the fag who had written it." He shrugged and laughed at that but I felt like he was electing not to cry so he therefore _had_ to laugh it off. "I moved away a good month or so later, it didn't matter what they all said." I looked at him with contemplation for a moment or two before electing to say something very foolish, or at least it was in my mind.

"I'm gay." He only stared at me blankly for a few moments in which my heart hammered in my chest like I had suddenly turned into an antelope with a lion on my trail.

"Alright," he said questioningly at long last and I felt no better because as cute as the raising of an eyebrow was, it gave me no inclination as to what he was thinking.

"Yeah…"

"I had kind of figured that out on my own." He said without expression once again and I felt a small bit relieved. "You only hit on me every other sentence."

"I could make it every sentence if you'd like, cutie." I winked as I felt relief finally and could laugh easily when a smile graced his lips along with a brush of color on his cheeks.

"That's alright," he said as he stood up and wandered over to his phone which was sitting on a pile of his clothing that was folded neatly on my desk chair. He made a disapproving noise at it and clicked away on his keyboard before he let it drop onto the clothing again. "Demyx is annoying, in the most endearing way possible." He mumbled into the air with a bitter tone.

"What did he do?"

"He asked if we 'got it on' or not." He rolled his eyes and used air quotes which forced me into a fit of laughter that almost woke me from the sleepy state in which I was sinking into quickly. It was almost four in the morning…

"And you said…?"

"I said that he should lay off the crack." His tone was frank and irritable which only made me laugh more. I liked how blunt he was, it was un-Zexy-like and it was hilarious.

As time passed sleep ebbed in and stole our conversation. My mom was surprised in the morning when I wandered down the stairs with Zexion behind me, still rubbing sleep from his eyes. He had washed all of the makeup off and put a bobby pin in his hair to hold it away from his eyes. The shirt I had given him to wear was oversized and the pants were rolled up at the end but still hid his toes when he stood still.

"Oh! Good morning!" My mother chimed with a cheery tone that was far too loud for two teenagers who had just woken up.

"Hey mom, this is Zexion, Demyx and I took him and this other kid ice skating and it was late so Zexion just came over." I waved my hand at him as I yawned and wandered to the fridge where I got one of my water bottles and flopped into one of the stools.

"Hello Zexion! Please, call me Fay," she offered a hand for him to shake and the boy looked lost but shook her hand. "Would you like anything to eat? I was just going to make some French toast for myself." She smiled and I felt dread rising in my stomach. I could always say I needed a shower and 'eat' later, I could throw it away but Zexion might notice.

"No, I'm fine, eating in the morning makes me nauseous." He smiled at her pleasantly and she laughed lightly.

"Alright, don't you hesitate to ask if you need anything. Would you like a drink?" She offered and I knew what he would say before he even uttered the words.

"May I have some coffee, please?" He stifled a yawn after I yawned loudly and he shot me a small and playful glare. I felt like we were suddenly much more open with one another. He didn't seem nervous anymore, he seemed comfortable and he felt relaxed enough to joke a little. My mother prepared him a coffee after my instructions of how he liked it and Zexion sat next to me while enjoying the caffeinated beverage.

"You're addicted." I smirked while he shook his head delicately.

"That is where you're wrong." He said in an airy voice as if he was very content. He looked like he was and I desperately hoped that he was.

"Oh? How a I wrong, Mr. I-drink-three-cups-a-day?" I asked in a haughty voice and he laughed loudly with bright eyes and a full smile on his lips. He was definitely a morning person.

"I do not drink three cups of coffee a day! I drink one, thank you very much, I just like it." He stuck his nose into the air and closed his eyes as if giving me the cold shoulder.

"Oh, I feel shunned." I commented sarcastically and he laughed again, it was something I was not used to but was completely willing to _get_ used to it. "You have a beautiful laugh." I blurted out with full knowledge of what I was saying but not wanting to chicken out of the compliment. He stopped laughing and only looked at me as if trying to figure out why I was saying that to him.

"You sound like-" he began but stopped abruptly and laughed before he shook his head and drank his coffee.

"Hey, you can't be doing that you stupid little emo!" I whined and he rolled his eyes.

"I can, scene-queen." I made a sour expression at the title but laughed a moment after. I didn't like mornings but he was making them seem much more pleasant. "Can we go for a walk?" He asked after a few moments of me pouting in the most fake manner ever into my water bottle. I glanced out the window and watched what he was staring at. The snow glistened with the rising morning sun and it looked like it was covered in glitter. There was a flame-red cardinal pecking at the bird feeder we had in our backyard. Further on, our birdbath was sprinkled in the white dusting and there was a grey tabby cat prowling with its eyes trained onto the bird. There was a small brush of wind and the bird ruffled its feathers before its mate swooped down to sit by it.

"Sure, Zexy." After a while of getting ready and into warm clothing, we set out of my house and down the street. "So where do you live?" I asked after a few moments of walking.

"Not near here." He said while looking at a pretty picket fence that was coated in snow.

"Last night you said you could walk home," I argued back and he faltered in his walking for a moment with his mouth hanging open for a second as if he was going to say something but then he shut it. It took a few seconds from him to speak.

"I can walk from your house, it would just take a little while." He said evasively.

"How long?" I asked and was ignored, so I repeated myself and placed a hand on his arm so he could not avoid me.

"I can't know for sure." He mumbled while diverting his eyes still and I heard myself growl in frustration. "If I had to give you a time I'd only say an hour and a half or so."

"Zexion!" He flinched and backed away when I threw my hands up into the air. I had barely noticed that I had stopped us walking. "That's too far for you to walk, especially late at night and in this weather." I hadn't yelled at him before, I had barely ever said anything bad to him but I didn't particularly care. He should take better care of himself, I reasoned.

"I know, alright, just shut up Axel. I know it's too far, I knew that last night and I know it now. I just didn't want you to be driving when you were as tired as you were." He snapped back at me and I clenched my teeth together. I hadn't expected a heated response from him but didn't mind that I had gotten one. He looked truly pissed and I noticed distractedly that he was fucking _sexy_ when he was angry.

"Whatever." I replied to him because I refused to admit that I might be wrong. In truth we were both sort of wrong. I was just glad I had convinced him to stay overnight.

! ! !

"Demyx photographs well." He commented as we sifted through my photo albums which I had brought out upon his request. There were pictures from the first roll of film I had used when I got a nice camera and began getting serious about photography. I nodded at his words and watched as he flipped through all of the pages. Most that were of people were of Demyx, Sora and Roxas because they were the most keen to get their pictures taken out of our group of friends. I of course had random girls scattered throughout but there were never reoccurring stages of life with them. They had been girlfriends who had come and gone and actually a few were of Kairi and Namine. The blonde girl had asked for those specifically for her drawing, she after all, could not draw them together without pictures because she could not be a model and an artist in the same moment.

"Whoa," he said nervously as he turned onto a page with rather provocative pictures of Demyx on them. The blonde was half naked in them and posed in positions that could only remind someone of a soft core porn magazine. Zexion's face turned scarlet and he flipped the page quickly only to be greeted with silly ones that Demyx had taken himself when he stole my camera. There was a close up of one of his eyes and it was horribly out of focus, another was of a silly face that was too close to the camera and some he took of me.

He emo's fingers prickled at the edge of the page but his eyes were focused on the photos of me. He stayed like that for a while and then moved on. He looked through all of my albums in a few hours and I listened to music while taking his gentle criticism. I had him laughing by the end just in time for him to reach my current project. He flipped by the pictures of nature slowly but stopped completely when he reached a picture of him. It was the first I had taken. He had been sitting at his usual table in the bookstore with his legs crossed and he had been reading while holding his coffee mug delicately in his free hand. The next picture was him looking up and to his side to check where the sound from the camera had come from and the following photo came from the walk where I had asked permission to photograph him.

"When did you take these?" He asked with suspicion in his tone which made me nervous. I laughed though and ruffled his hair.

"That first day we spoke, you looked so gorgeous, I couldn't resist." I smirked at him and winked for effect but he only ignored it. His eyes were unfocused and it was obvious his mind was taking control of his consciousness. I poked him in the forehead and he snapped back to reality. "Wake up, emo." I prodded with a smile and he only raised an eyebrow before going back to the book. He flipped past all the pictures of himself and focused on the developed ones of Demyx that I had in there. Once he finished I felt jealous of the way he stared at the blonde in the book. I knew that was irrational but I could barely help it. _I_ wanted Zexion's attention, I didn't want _Demyx_ to have it.

"I should get going," he said after a few moments of tracing patters with his fingernails on the cover of the album.

"No you shouldn't." I smiled and received a withering look.

"Axel, it's close to dinner time." He argued and stood up, wrapped in my sweatshirt and pants still. I wanted him to keep wearing my clothing. I wanted him to keep looking at me and paying attention to me. I wanted to get praised by him more or even teased when he so chose to.

"Stay for dinner, please." I'd eat tonight, for him to stay longer, I'd do what he wanted to keep him there, with me for just a little bit more. I liked being with him much too much. He considered for a while before he sighed in turn and sat down beside me again on the couch. "Thank you, Zexy. I can make it worth your while." I smirked and winked at him with a chuckle. His eyes went slightly wide and he rewarded me with the gorgeous flustered expression he wore so well.

"I'm all set." He said affirmed not even a full second after I spoke.

"Aw, come on, you'll have fun." I crooned sweetly against his ear and nipped at it gently. He sucked in a breath and his shoulders twitched a little bit. "Mom won't be home from the store for another hour and Reno texted me saying he was staying with Paine for dinner. We're all alone Zexy." I whispered and right before he spoke I darted my tongue out and licked just under his ear, along his neck. He took in a sharp gasp of air and one of his hands clenched on my chest.

"A-axel, I-I think um, I think that you're um…" He stumbled over his words when I nudged his head to the side and attached my mouth to a part of his neck that was hidden by his hair normally. He never finished speaking but his breathing did all the talking for me. It wasn't ragged or truly uneven but it was faster than normal. I liked the taste of his skin, I loved the way he smelt of dust and coffee. I nipped at the hickey I was leaving and trailed my free hand through his hair as the other held me half over him on the couch. His fingers twitched a little as I grazed my teeth over his ear again and kissed the lobe delicately. His hand trailed to one of my hips and I smirked as he raised his other to rest on my back.

"What was that about not being gay, Zexion?" I chuckled darkly and pulled back to see the disarray his hair and facial expression were in. He looked fucking hot.

"I hate you." He declared without passion and only began to fix his hair sourly, his hand trailed to the big red-purple mark I left. "Ow, what did you do?" He asked after poking the tender spot a few times.

"I gave you a hickey, and hickies are bruises essentially, so leave it alone." I chuckled and reclined in the couch so he was left alone on the end cushion opposite mine.

"You… you gave me a hickey?" He asked as if mortified which only made me laugh more.

"Yes, I did, you're hair covers it though." I smirked and he seemed to calm down more. "Anyways, you always wear those scarves, so chill." He half glared at me and stroked his hair down to cover the mark.

"I'm not gay." He replied stubbornly.

"So the tent in your pants is just… what? A book you wanted to keep safe?" I asked with a smirk and he immediately fidgeted and shifted so the hardening organ was hidden.

"There is no tent anywhere." He blushed brightly still as he said it and gulped a little. I leaned close to him once more and kissed his cheek gently.

"I think you're cute. You should spend more time with me alone." He fidgeted but stared at me while I spoke and his eyes ghosted down to my lips before they jumped back up to my eyes.

"I don't think I should."

"Why not?" I asked with a timid smirk.

"I don't know." He replied softly in an almost whispering tone. I had never realized what a kiss could really be but suddenly there were so many possibilities. I wanted to kiss him so badly then but at the same time, I wanted it to be something special. Yes, molesting him was probably going to put a damper on the situation but while he struggled to think of a reason not to be with me I decided that I wanted him to be mine. I had of course played with the idea before but only in the sense that he was extremely good looking and could hold an interesting conversation. A night of late story telling, a cute walk in the morning once we finished fighting and a steamy scene on my living room couch all culminated to show me how perfect we were. He was more than a pretty face with a nice mind to boot, he was Zexion. He was imperfect and therefore he was what I wanted.

We had nothing in common and that made us all the better of friends. I smiled to myself and he looked confused but it didn't matter because I knew what I was going to do. Rejection was still possible, it was still terrifying and technically he was rejecting me then but I ignored that so that I could sweep him off of his feet. Demyx wanted me to chase him, that was the point of ice skating but I had been a chicken. My best friend would be pleased to hear about my decision.

"Want to work on our English homework with me? We can use my book." I smiled pleasantly with a complete activity change. Confused was a cute way for him to look, like every other way he looked all the time, but confused was something that did not seem common for him. I liked it more than the normal 'I like Zexion all the time' notion.

I felt like a cliché chick flick. I wished I was as attractive as he was, or even half so, it would make everything so much easier. Who would ever want someone like me? I guess there was someone for everyone though. I simply hoped he was not too far out of my range…

Author's Note: I'm considering putting a Demyx or Roxas scene in after chapter 10, what do you guys think? I was just toying with the idea but I'm really unsure. Sorry this chapter is all over the place. After I wrote it I was like "eh… that sucked" but I also finished writing it at three in the morning haha, so I just edited it and I actually like it. Not half bad I think, which is weird for me to say. I probably just had myself convinced it was so so so terrible that rereading it and seeing it wasn't as bad as I thought is like… a pleasant surprise. Have you ever looked at the way surprise is spelt? It's weird.

A Really Nice Prom Mess is a good book with lots of great quotes and hilarious things in it. It's by Brian Sloan and it is like… one of my favorite books.

Preview:

I tried to defend myself but I felt like he knew. He had seen too much of my apprehension about my home. He had heard too much with his stupid curiosity and need to know why I paid for everything myself. He could put it all together and I was well aware of that. So, in conclusion, I decided that he knew and I would get ambushed about it later. Luckily the assignment distracted him for the rest of the period.

Pain was something easy to focus on. Physical pain anyways, it was a lot easier to deal with than emotional but lucky me I had both. By concentrating on the physical I could ignore and cope with the emotional but that would only last for so long. I would then have to rely on my books because I was not into cutting or self-injuring. Well, sometimes I'd pull my hair or bite my fist but that was normal. People did that to control themselves all of the time…


	8. All Right

**Empty**

_8. All right_

Pairings: Zexion/Axel, Demyx/Roxas, and possible Sora/Riku

Rating: M

Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

Summary: Axel is popular, his family is loaded, so why does he smile when he can feel each of his ribs? Zexion is quiet, but he's watched Axel for what had felt like forever. Sometimes things happen too quickly, or not quickly enough.

Author's Note: So, might I inform you that my beautiful laptop has a wonderful virus. Chapters will come very slowly until Ebony is fixed.

**Zexion.**

Nothing was right. My shoulder ached and my face felt like pulp. I sighed and straightened my already straight hair, but I was cementing it which was unusual. The mouse crackled and sizzled as the straightening tool burnt my hair together. I groaned as I dabbed at the concealing cream and foundation just to make sure it was perfect and finally I flinched as I reached over my head to pull on a long sleeved thermal. Every movement of the abused shoulder shot pain through me but it had to be done. I washed the bathroom mirror and wiped down the counter. I took medicine for the aches and then I walked out of the room. My bag was locked in my bedroom, the key was in my pocket and once I got it everything was left locked once more. I slipped out of the grimy living room and into the deadened grass covered in snow.

It was a thirty minute walk to the school, and I hadn't even put my gloves or jacket on yet, they were hanging from my arm. Maybe no one would notice, I rarely had marks on my face but a band-aid was visible on my jawbone and I was sure Axel or Demyx would ask. None of my other friends ever did, but those two were like hypersensitive paranoid androids with one purpose in mind which was to notice everything. I was shrugging on my jacket and wandering down a much nicer street than my own when a car pulled up beside me and rolled to a stop.

"Want some candy?" He quirked an eyebrow and winked with his cat eyes while he smiled that smile that cracked his face in two.

"Of course." I replied while climbing into his warm car. He immediately used his driver's side button to roll my window back up.

"You walk to school?"

"Every morning."

"I'll drive you." He smiled and I wanted to groan. Would he notice that there was a band-aid over the hickey too? Would that offend him any? I tried to picture him waiting in my driveway and tapping his thumbs on the steering wheel. I tried to picture my father stumbling out of the door and cussing the flame-haired teen out, beer bottle in hand.

"I like walking."

"It's too cold for you to walk." He chuckled but looked worn out, like someone had been making him run laps. I watched the way his gaze hung on the road like the way the people do in those videos that warn you in Driver's Education about road hypnosis. I opened my mouth to tell him when he glanced at me and then scanned the area again which broke his stare. Good boy, I commented in my head and felt like smacking myself if it wouldn't hurt so damn much.

"I like walking." I repeated when he looked at me once more and the conversation died out which only left the music playing sick techno in the background.

"I like kissing too, but that doesn't mean I should do it every day." So he kissed a lot of people? So I was nothing special? Not that he had kissed me… but still. My stomach hit a rock in the pit of my bowels and I stared determinedly out of the front windshield. I should have not expected anything less. The boy was sex walking down the street, what had I been thinking?

"Emo, back to earth, got it memorized?" He chuckled with a sarcastic smirk and I only nodded, not all too up for the usual scene and emo banter we sometimes continued. I really, in all honesty, would have loved to curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself. That, unfortunately, would not happen. Conversation was dead once again when we pulled into the school parking lot and he parked in the far lot. The doors were power-locked shut right when I reached for the handle. "Not so fast." He commented and I was tempted to flip the manual lock and leave but that was stupid. I would look like an ass, but I really just wanted to be alone.

"Yes?"

"Something's wrong." He was blunt and that was admirable… or it would have been if I wanted to tell him what was going on in my head- which I did not. "Tell me." I was looking out the window and since the shot gun seat had the right side of the car my hair was covering my immediate view so I shifted. My back was almost to him in the evasive attempt to remain hidden. I was in a fucking car with him, how hidden could I be while sitting in the passenger seat?

"There is nothing wrong."

"There is something wrong."

"There is not anything wrong at all. I'm alright." That was a funny word, alright. It stemmed from 'all' and 'right' which was interesting. When said in the sense of a person saying everything was alright, people more often get the feeling something was bothering the somebody in question but that it is not big enough to be a real problem… Yet whenever someone asked me if everything was alright I did not take it as 'alright' I always seemed to take it as 'all right' and no, not everything was all right and correct in my world.

"You're a terrible liar."

"Thank you for the ride, Axel, I'll see you in English later." I said before smiling what had to be the fakest smile I had ever forced. My eyes were even shut when I turned to him to do it but I could imagine the look on his face. It would be a look of anger and concern, I didn't want to see it and lose resolve. I flicked the manual lock when I turned back to the window and I slung my bag onto my shoulder while propping myself up steadily. He was following me and pacing every movement so we were in step and level even with my slight limp.

"Did I say something wrong?" He asked after a few seconds of walking.

"Nope."

"Did I do something, Zexion?"

"Not at all." I felt like I was going to snap but I kept that happy face on for him. It seemed to turn his stomach. Just like me to make someone sick, right?

"Was there something wrong at home?" He was pressuring me more than I liked so I laughed and halted for a moment to look at him in the face.

"Axel, it's Monday morning, chill." That seemed to relax him but his eyes were looking over the bandage on my jaw. I turned and ignored him once again. Normally I loved Mondays… They meant the weekend was over.

English was right before lunch and I made a point to be nearly late to class so I would not have to talk much with Demyx or Axel. I walked in just as the bell rang and was rewarded with the sight of a substitute teacher. Of course there would be a sub on the one day I needed to ignore a piercing set of green eyes and an inquisitive pair of blue. They both were acting normal when I strolled in and deposited my messenger bag on my desk.

"Hey Zexy," Demyx greeted with a jubilant expression to which I nodded and mumbled his name. Axel however was studying my somewhat stiff movements and monitoring my face. I could read his mind almost: slight limp, bandage on jaw, hair covered face more than usual, favoring of the right shoulder, averted eyes… WARNING!

"Did you trip down a flight of stairs?" He asked after a few moments and I wondered what I could have said. It was a better excuse than the one I had come up with.

"Actually, yes."

"How?" His voice was pressuring and Demyx was watching me with a sober and mature look on his face that seemed out of place. I laughed a little and looked at my bag just for theatrics.

"I was running after this girl I was babysitting who lives near me, and she stopped short on the stairs so I tried to stop but slipped and fell down them." I explained quickly while trying my hardest to look sheepish.

"So you fell backwards and hurt your front?" Demyx asked to my distaste.

"Well, I spun a little while falling and fell a little on my side and I think I might have ended up on my stomach, I don't really remember." I smiled in a way that seemed shy to me but Axel didn't seem to buy it.

"What's wrong with your hair?"

"You don't like my hair?"

"I like it, but it's different than normal." The redhead said with a narrowed look set on his face. I felt like I was being interrogated and needed to find all of the perfect white lies to get out of the situation. Were they white lies when I was hurting myself by telling them?

"I saw some kid doing it online and wanted to try it. Do you think it came out alright?" I wondered idly to him even though I was not interested in my hair.

"I guess. I like seeing your face better." He reached his hand to brush the strands away from my face but I flinched away, caught off-guard by his sudden movement. "I'm not going to hit you."

"I know, you just moved fast." I tried to defend myself but I felt like he knew. He had seen too much of my apprehension about my home. He had heard too much with his stupid curiosity and need to know why I paid for everything myself. He could put it all together and I was well aware of that. So, in conclusion, I decided that he knew and I would get ambushed about it later. Luckily the assignment distracted him for the rest of the period.

Pain was something easy to focus on. Physical pain anyways, it was a lot easier to deal with than emotional but lucky me, I had both. By concentrating on the physical I could ignore and cope with the emotional but that would only last for so long. I would then have to rely on my books because I was not into cutting or self-injuring. Well, sometimes I'd pull my hair or bite my fist but that was normal. People did that to control themselves all of the time…

Axel had pressured me into hanging out with him and Demyx after school and I didn't mind because I did not have work once again. I attributed that to the slow sales in the recent weeks but that meant my phone would get shut off and the cable bill would go unpaid. I barely had enough for the water and lights.

Axel and Demyx were in the front seats while Roxas and I both watched the scenery pass by from our own windows. There was loud music playing but it didn't make my head throb because I had taken quadruple the dose of pain medication. I probably should not have taken that many but I had only been thinking of how active both Axel and Demyx were. I did not want to be sore when I was expected to do different things with them.

"Ax, can we go to get a snack? I'm hungry!" The blonde ball of energy proclaimed which received a chuckle from Roxas and a hesitated glance in the rear view from Axel. He was looking at me so I turned my eyes to the reflection of him. He agreed and then drove towards his house which stood ominous and white in the picket fence neighborhood he lived in. I felt like the beaten scum on his shoe. My stomach turned but I ignored it and followed into his pristine dwelling.

Demyx was in the kitchen before I had even entered the door and Axel was barking orders at him. Roxas seemed comfortable in the house but I felt odd still, despite the time I had spent in it previously. The redhead was drinking a diet coke when I placed myself awkwardly in the doorway of his kitchen and Demyx was stuffing his face with a bag of Doritos.

"Come eat something, Zexion, I'll cook for you." Axel offered and anticipated my response. "You're eating, got it memorized?" He had an endearing smile on his face and Demyx was giggling jovially in response to the one-sided conversation. "What do you want babe?" I felt like I was blushing at the term like always but I could never truly be sure and he probably couldn't see it through the layers of caked on makeup.

"A sandwich, please."

"Get to it woman!" Demyx nearly screamed before he doubled over in laughter and swiftly avoided a flying punch that was aimed at his head.

"Shut up! You're the woman, you woman!" Axel retaliated and the two ended up wrestling in the middle of the room while Roxas and I just watched in our own ways. I was shocked to be honest, but Roxas looked amused.

"I can make it myself…" I mumbled after the two pulled apart with messy hair and colored cheeks. Demyx laughed some more and patted me on the head.

"Good woman, make me one too, alright?" He mocked but it was Demyx so I was alright with it.

"What do you want on it, little boy?" I asked comically in a sing-song voice. Axel choked on his soda and Roxas sat down with a set of chuckles emanating from his throat. Demyx on the other hand turned back to me and tried to resist a grin before he spoke.

"Oh Zexy! Just you and Axel and a nice cum filled sex scene!" Both other boys laughed hysterically but I just gaped at Demyx and stuttered a little before simply glaring and turning my back on him. He laughed and skipped away in an overly manly way.

"His favorite is bologna and cheese." Axel barely managed to get out through his hysterical laughter.

"You make it, female." I snapped and stormed after Demyx simply because there was no where else to go. Their laughter followed me into the living room.

The sun set over the snow while we all watched a movie and joked around. Maybe if I had been paying more attention I would have noticed that Axel didn't actually eat anything. Maybe if I had been paying more attention I would have noticed the pain medication wearing off. Maybe if I had been paying more attention I would have noticed that the world was more messed up than I thought, but I wasn't paying attention.

I was busy as I watched everyone laughing. I was swept away by the actual happiness I felt. I was intently focused on the way I began to feel more comfortable as the hours passed.

"I have to get home for dinner." Roxas said as six pm came rolling around and I wondered when I was supposed to be home as well, or if I was going to try to stay away from there all night.

"Me too." Demyx said regretfully and all eyes were then on me. I didn't think about what I was going to say, I simply spoke…

"I don't want to go home." Maybe it was the tone, or maybe it was the look on my face but Demyx, Axel and Roxas gave me the same exact look. They were concerned. Fuck me, they were concerned.

"Why?" The airhead asked me in a somber tone that I did not like hearing from him. Roxas didn't move but his gaze was so intent upon my face and the way Axel nodded as if to agree that Demyx had asked the right question… well that was no big surprise to me. I opened my mouth to speak and faltered over my words. My mind was racing, I was practically stuttering within the confines of my own skull, and yet nothing came out.

"Hey, fag-ass!" A male voice called from somewhere else in the house, presumably the front door seeing as it shut a moment or two later. Axel ground his teeth and rolled his eyes at the same time and at any other time I would have chuckled at my only pondering of that being something like rubbing your stomach and patting your head, but it simply was too serious of a moment.

"Reno, shut your square-ass mouth!"

"No way to talk to your big brother!" A tall redhead fake-pouted as he wandered into the room and looked at all of us. "Hey, Dems, haven't seen you around much lately." Axel's elder brother said while mock-saluting the faux-mullet haired boy. Reno had beautiful long hair but it was tied into a tight braid and puffed around his face a little. He was stocky and built which made him look like a mixed-martial arts champion.

"Axel wants me back!" Demyx announced and there was a consensus of chuckles around the room which I didn't understand.

"How's cloud doing?" The new comer asked Roxas and the small blonde shrugged a little.

"I guess he's fine, Tifa's keeping him busy around the house." They all seemed to know each other and it made me feel isolated… unwanted.

"That's good, they tie the knot yet?" A snicker was heard from the man asking the question and Roxas smiled a little in return while he shook his head.

"You know cloud."

"That I do, damn guy can't make a decision to save his life! Who's this?" He asked Axel, while he motioned to me. I resented him not asking me who I was for himself because I I_was/I_ capable of speaking but I shoved that anger out of my mind.

"That's Zexion, he's my new friend."

"He treat you right?" Reno asked and gave me a menacing look which was in fact frightening.

"He is my I_friend/I_, Reno, not my boyfriend. He's a good friend. He talks too! Got it memorized numb-nuts?" I had a feeling their banter was lovingly wrought and therefore the insults were akin to when lovers said 'baby'.

"I'm Reno," he introduced and I almost laughed with the ridiculous announcement but I tucked the smirk away and nodded.

"Nice to meet you." He nodded in return and fluffed his brother's hair before snatching the bag of Doritos and walking off. The tension was gone and both blondes laughed at the scene when it had finally finished, but Axel only smiled. I hoped he would not remember what we had last been speaking of.

It was not brought up again.

Demyx and Roxas sat in the backseat together while I rode shotgun and Axel seemed to daze off into the road. I wondered idly if he was alright but chose not to say anything seeing as it might have upset him. Demyx was whispering things to Roxas that I didn't catch snatches of but the look on the younger's face as it was reflected in my side-mirror showed me what it was about. I had never taken Demyx for the aggressor but it seemed to fit that way. At the moment anyways, I'd have to monitor their relationship for comical relief. It would be very funny if Demyx was in fact a bottom to Roxas. I realized what I was thinking about and snapped out of the train of thoughts quite quickly. They were just friends… Demyx's house was blue and big like Axel's and Roxas's was a sea green color that was slightly smaller than the other boys' houses but no less aesthetic. Axel paused in Roxas's driveway.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere, really." I mumbled without looking at him because my pulse was rising with the anxiety the conversation was going to bring to me. I already knew where he was going with the question.

"Anywhere but home you mean." He sounded so curious yet serious at the same time. His voice was dark with the heaviness of his thoughts and yet it sounded a tiny bit quirky with the feline-like inquisitiveness that I had grown to associate with him in general.

"Yes," I said after a long pause.

"Alright," he clapped his hands together and shifted a beanie on his head before he drove off in a direction that I was barely familiar with. The car ride was not long but ended at a park. It was the park near my favorite bookstore where we had walked that first day he had spoken to me. I had to think back to how long ago that had been and realized it had been close to two weeks. I could barely believe that that was the truth because it felt like so much longer. To me, it felt like every moment with Axel was an eternity yet too short all the same. The car was in park and only when he shut it off did I realize I had been staring at his bright green eyes, porcelain white skin and petal-pink lips.

"Why do you wear those triangles?" I asked suddenly to try and hide the fact that I had been staring simply because he was gorgeous.

"I don't know, Demyx and I got bored and drew on each other one time. I gave him whiskers and a pink nose and he did this to me. I was supposed to be a clown, but we were pretty young. I just really liked it I guess so I kept putting them on." He smiled a little at the story and I simply nodded. "Come walk with me, cutie." He got out of the car without any other notice and I was forced to follow suit. He lead me to a bench and sat down upon it.

It felt awkward to be with him and I was sure it was because I was aware the questions would start soon. I simply had to get my lies ready but I was out of practice. I rarely had a need of lies and explanations because events like that of Sunday night were rare. I was not normally hit, I was not normally kicked and when things were thrown at me they were normally very easily avoided or barely towards me at all. It was not common that the shit got beaten out of me and I knew it could have been worse.

"Sorry about Reno." He said suddenly. "He's a great doting idiot, but it's pretty sweet of him. If you like mother hens that is."

"He seemed nice."

"You looked about ready to sock him in the mouth." The redhead laughed and I simply shrugged.

"He didn't talk to me, just about me like I wasn't there. That's annoying." I reasoned quietly and Axel nodded while stretching and leaving an arm around my shoulders. My heart jumped a few extra beats but I realized how completely clichéd the redhead was being.

"He does that to unsuspecting people all over the world."

"What?" I asked and almost cracked a smile.

"You're cute."

"You too?" I replied questioningly because I felt like the conversation was not making much sense anymore.

"Are you gay?" The question kept popping up and I figured he knew the answer already yet was wishing I would say it and confirm his suspicion.

"No, I'm not, we've gone over that a few times now, scene-queen." His mouth dropped open and a smile plastered itself on his face. He laughed but passed it off as scoffing before he replied.

"Oh don't even get me started, emo!" His eyes were so bright and full or light they reminded me of those traveling guides of Ireland. All you can see it green, green and more green that stretched across every possible expanse. His eyes were full of depth and different hues all of which were equally beautiful. "If I was straight, Zexion, I would become gay just for you." He said after a few moments before he kissed my cheek softly.

"That's a lie, you can't ever change who you are."

"My sexuality is not who I am, it does not define me, it only defines who I find attractive and who I will fall in love with." He sounded like a cheesy romance novel and I seriously considered asking him to just kiss me but I did not and he only looked out at the snow that drifted from the tree branches to the ground where it would melt and drift away into the earth.

"I don't believe in love." I declared after a few moments of watching the frozen water drift around. His eyes focused on me again and I thought I could see a smile on his lips out of the corner of my eyes.

"Why is that?"

"What is it? It's a feeling you can't describe. It's something you can't prove or document. Why I_should/I _I believe in it? I believe in attraction and symmetry. The only reason people stay with other people is out of trust and dependence. Humans are not solitary creatures by nature and it's very unhealthy to be alone. So we lie to ourselves and say we love when we simply lust after attention, beauty and companionship." I rambled on with hand gestures and a determined gaze at the tree opposite the bench we were stationed on.

"There are a great deal of people who are unable to describe their feelings or document them." He countered but I only shook my head.

"Fear causes a physical response, as does anger and calmness is like a stasis. Sorrow causes physical repercussions as well and each can be proven. Love can not be proven. Even happiness can, but not love." I explained and he seemed thoughtful but unmoved.

"What about a mother's feelings for her children?"

"Instinct." I waved my hand dismissively as if that was a ridiculous idea. "A family has a natural instinct to protect one another but to a point it is also how we are raised to show us that we are supposed to be kind to one another. Siblings are often cruel and are acting on the violent impulses that are sent by our caveman ancestors that tell us to survive." I felt like I had never been listened to as intently as he was listening to me then and it was an empowering notions to know that he was paying attention to me fully.

"So you've never been in love before?"

"I think the answer to that is obvious, Axel." I rolled my eyes while I looked at him and he looked pleased with my answer.

"I want to kiss you." He said off-handedly but that one phrase froze me in place. He wanted to kiss I_me/I_? Lowly peasant Zexion, was being lusted after by the fucking I_prince/I_ of… everything? I blinked a few times to try and gain my place but it was unfathomable that he had just asked that.

"Pardon?"

"Can I kiss you?" He repeated and I spoke before thinking.

"May, Axel, may I kiss you." Of course I would correct his grammar when he was asking to kiss me. While my almost four year long crush was asking to kiss me, I went all 'formal English' and ruined a nice moment. He only smirked in return and leaned closer.

"Of course you may." His eyes were half lidded and I felt like my head was flying off into the clouds at the mere thought of him pressing his lips to my own.

"I didn't ask you to! I was correcting your grammar. You may not kiss me." I rambled once I could barely count the erratic beats of my heart and his looked crescent fallen but I had never kissed anyone before and could not risk being an idiot while kissing him. Plus, I was just another boy to him, right? Wasn't that what he implied that morning? The saddened look was probably just an act to get me to agree to his foolish wishes. I was not one to fall for tricks that easily.

"Alright," he said softly and forced a small laugh but it was hollow. No, I thought, not 'all right' but good enough for now. I would figure everything out and then make irrational decisions based upon the vagrant lust that I felt, but not until I was sure that's what I wanted. I had to wonder if he was simply the most symmetrical boy around or if I was wrong and love was real. I didn't feel like my insides were caramel, they felt like stone to be honest. Hadn't I always rationalized my feelings for him as a 'crush' though. I wondered in a way if I was only defending myself against injury by saying I did not believe in love. The more I thought about it the less sense both options made.

Preview: I nuzzled his hair which was soft on the top despite his straightening trick to cover one whole half of his face better than normal. The boy was warm and he smelt like axe which I had never noticed before. His vague nod made me feel better and worse, yet all we did for a few moments was stand there together. I had never held anyone but Demyx and that had been when we were children. The feeling of his fragile body against me was different than anything my friend had ever arisen in me.


	9. Hug

**Empty**

9.  
Pairings: Axel/Zexion, Demyx/Roxas and possible Sora/Riku  
Rating: M  
Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think  
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.  
Summary: Axel is popular, his family is loaded, so why does he smile when he can feel each of his ribs? Zexion is quiet, but he's watched Axel for what had felt like forever. Sometimes things happen too quickly, or not quickly enough.  
Author's Note: I'm sorry this took so long to get out, see, I had this chapter written and saved on a usb because my laptop before stunk. I got a bad virus on it and yeah, long story short my only copy of everything I had written was on my usb after that. Then my usb broke. I had a lot of problems getting back into the writing of everything but I'm glad to be able to bring you this update 3 Thank you for sticking with me through all of this.

Axel.

I should have expected the rejection. I had been to an extent but that didn't mean it hurt any less. The pain of his attention purposefully being scattered anywhere but onto me hurt, but I wouldn't just give up. He wanted me in some way, despite the way I felt about my appearance, he watched me and he spent too many minutes studying my lips or the way my hair fell. I knew he found me mildly attractive at the very least and I knew he was my friend for a reason and must like my personality so I was confused at his backwards stepping. Then again, I was ignoring the fact that he might not have romantic feelings for me. I didn't want to think this was a definitive rejection. I wanted to think of it as me not having won him yet, because, why else would he stick around and react to me the way he did?

It was cold out still, not that I had forgotten but the interaction made me feel obligated to focus on anything else, anyone else but him. He didn't move away from my arm that was around him, he didn't move at all though, if there wasn't fog coming from his lips than I would assume he had stopped breathing. The cold distracted me from living, it gave me something to think of, the odd way it tingled and nipped at my body, the delicate torture of the freezing of my nose and the way that my breath crystallized and danced elegantly before my lips.

The water fountain was still running, the water as shimmering as ever only, it seemed sharper, not bubbling and soft as it had been when Zexion had been touching it before, it seemed like a harsh outline of cruel truth. It was an icy liquid, uncaring and forceful even in the delicate streams that poured over the angel's vase. The stone beneath was a blank grey and it was lifeless despite the warm golden glow from the lights around that had come on a few minutes previous.

"I want to go home, I can walk from here." He said suddenly, in a tone heavy with blankness – A blankness that was a lie. His eyes did not leave the spot they were trained to and his stoic expression did not waiver at all. I was confused, but convinced of what I wanted.

"Stay with me again tonight." The request did get a reaction from him, he blinked a few times and turned his gaze to me, the contours of his face were outline by the glow around us, the bandage on his chin left a shadow where the gauze buckled at the center. His lips were almost chalky pink and they curled in a bitter sort of way as if he was torn between two options. I wished he would agree to, but the expression didn't seem to go in my favor.

"No, Axel, I'm going to go home."

"Zexion, come on, I won't upset you again, alright? I promise, just come and eat dinner with me and stay in my house, You said you didn't want to go home before, so just stay. We can play video games, we can watch television, we can read or do homework, I can give you coffee, come on, just stay over again. You had fun last time, right?" I smiled in a hopeful way, but his stare was sharp enough to show me he knew I was just desperate for him to not walk away right now.

"I can walk home from here, it's about a fifteen minute walk," a sigh of mild frustration was the punctuation to his statement as he stood up, dusted the snow off of his jacket and he strolled back to my car where his things were. It was locked and he cursed under his breath. I was following close behind him, nervous but aware I was in control because the keys sat silently in my pocket. "Axel, I need my stuff, let me into your car." He was getting upset, flustered but not in the cute way where his cheeks flushed from embarrassment. Maybe he was getting embarrassed now, but it was an angry humiliated sort, and he was getting clearly upset.

"Zexion, just come for dinner at least, please? I won't try anything again, I won't do anything, I swear." I tried to reason with a restrained frantic tone. He waved a gloved hand at me like I didn't matter, maybe it was my words that didn't matter but my mind was spiraling downward and I was taking everything the wrong way. He huffed a little and pressed his palm to his forehead, his eyes closed and deep breaths heaved into his lungs to calm him. I didn't know why he was getting so upset. It didn't make sense at all. There we were, two teenage boys arguing in a small parking lot by a park where people walked by quickly, their necks craned to figure out what was going on. Maybe they thought he was a girl, his hair looked almost lilac in the lighting, his eyes were outlined with a little bit of eyeliner and his lithe frame was shaking underneath all of the layers he wore. He could be androgynous enough for them to think we were different than what we really were.

"Axel, you don't understand, you just can't get it." He shook his head and dropped the hand that held his forehead before his offended gaze met my off guard one. I was shocked at all the heat in both his tone and expression, and it was different than the other times he had gotten mad at me.

"Maybe you could explain it to me." After the words left my mouth he laughed, and tugged at the door handle on my car. I retrieved the keys and unlocked it for him, electing to manually do it, to stand near him, to lightly pat his shoulder and to be the one whose gaze he couldn't meet. "You don't have to, but I really want you to be happy for a little while longer and I can make you laugh. Come to dinner and then I'll drive you to where I picked you up this morning. You can walk home from there, alright?" I prodded his shoulder with a finger and he nodded.

"Yeah, okay, sure." He sighed and flopped his body into the car like he was drained of all energy.

! ! ! !

His nose was in a book, I don't know if I had expected anything else, but I knew that I had hoped for something different. He was in the bean bag chair he had fallen asleep in the last time he had stayed over. His loose black jeans made his tight grey shirt seem odd in comparison to the bagginess. He seemed almost out of proportion but the sharp curves of his jaw and the delicate way his hair parted complimented the difference. He stiffly turned the pages of the small book, looking content yet unsatisfied all the same. He kept looking at me with his one revealed eye.

"Do you want a drink?" I asked softly, nervous, and a little wary of conversation with him. It was something that hadn't happened before, I was timid in a way and he just stared at me because of it. He had this look on his face like he was thinking unpleasant things, his lips pursed a little, his eyebrow tilted down and his eye was a little squinted but not like he was in fact squinting, more like he was perturbed.

"I don't like you acting like this." The cool reply was not unemotional, in fact it was a strong tone of disapproval that hung around the air between us. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to react so I just watched him as he closed the book on the dog eared page and he stood up. The book didn't matter, it seemed, because he tossed it onto the bean bag before he walked to the edge of my bed where my laptop sat upon my lap, facebook open and a chat from Demyx blinking ridiculously. "You're not acting like yourself."

"I'm sorry," I stared at him, not knowing what else to say or what would appease him. He just looked away from me, taking a deep breath and holding his hands in fists.

"You aren't supposed to be acting wounded. You are Axel; You are the stupid sceney-weeney with an ego bigger than the Empire State Building. You are supposed to keep on going despite my rejection and you are [i]_supposed[/i]_ to be happy." He was guilty, his tone betraying that much along with anger and an odd sort of breathy disappointment. I thought that's what he sounded like anyway, it was what I wanted to hear so who knew, honestly, what he really felt. I wanted him to feel badly, I didn't want him to be upset per say but I wanted him to regret rejecting me. I wanted him to want me and I wanted him to feel like leaving was the wrong thing to do. I put down my laptop, the cushiony surface of my bed indenting easily to hold it there. He was standing so close to me, the sound of his breathing soft yet loud enough for me to hear. I stood up, close enough to feel his warmth, close enough for me to be uncomfortable, close enough for my muscles to tense.

"Can I hug you?" I asked before remember it was supposed to be 'may I hug you?' but he just nodded and leaned immediately into my body, forcing me to support him as he sagged a little. It was uncomfortable at first, I didn't know what to do but when he shuffled his feet a little closer and wrapped his arms around me it was a bit better. The only uncomfortable thing was my mind screaming about how he could feel my fat. His arms were around me, encompassing my waist so he could feel the berth of my body. It took a few more minutes for me to calm myself down but he was still there, his face buried in my chest and his hands pressed open-palmed onto my back. "Are you okay?" I asked finally once time had stretched on longer than expected.

I nuzzled his hair which was soft on the top despite his straightening trick to cover one whole half of his face better than normal. The boy was warm and he smelt like axe which I had never noticed before. His vague nod made me feel better and worse, yet all we did for a few moments more was stand there together. I had never held anyone but Demyx and that had been when we were children. The feeling of his fragile body against me was different than anything my friend had ever arisen in me. I wanted to protect him; I wanted him to be smiling and happy. I wanted to be the reason he was smiling and happy.

The past month had passed slowly and every effort I put in for myself or driven by Demyx's encouragement culminated as he just stood there in my embrace. It was a beautifully warm moment once I got my mind away from the panic of my size. The scene was soft and delicate, like it would fall apart at any moment but the strength of it was a staggering thing too. We leeched comfort from one another, the delicate heat between the two of us was a sweet relief from everything and for just a second I could breathe past reality. Just for a second the world was perfect and good in my mind, then he pulled away and my sickly fluffy view of the world slipped away too. I didn't want to be a sappy girl from a romance novel but that's what I was becoming. In those moments I had forgotten what everything was really like so I could enjoy the moment even more and that would kill me if it continued. It was silly, I knew it.

He sighed and moved around my room to go back to his book on the bean bag chair and he didn't say or do anything again for an hour or two. I watched him ravish each page with his eyes until my own got heavy and I dozed off. Dream chased dream as I napped, one after the other, each begging for my attention and each taking me on a rollercoaster of emotions before they all led back to the same place dreams always lead you – The waking world. When my eyes peeled open Zexion was not in my room but a blanket was over me and the sky was dark.

Grogginess hung over my frame as I stretched and relished the warmth of the blanket as I snuggled it up under my chin and contemplated getting up and finding the emo but found it difficult to leave the warmth. Reluctantly I tore myself from the safety of the soft haven and wandered into the kitchen where he sat with a steaming mug of tea and evidence that my mother was home now. He was still reading but the book was almost finished now. He was running his finger along the edge of the mug and as I entered the room his tongue was wetting his lips before he in-hailed and looked up to meet my gaze, his free hand holding what line he was on with a frail looking finger. The room smelt vaguely of mint, the tinge curling and dancing around me like an exotic dancer.

"Demyx wants to come over. Oh, and you slept through dinner, your mother has some food in the fridge." His voice was low but not quite quiet, simply hushed due to what I thought was disuse. "It was really good, I had some of your vegetarian stuff, almost makes me want to give up meat only not really." He was relaxed and casual, he leaned back just then and the barest glimmer of a smile appeared on his lips.

"Hey, it's on you if you want to support the slaughter of animals like that." His smile grew at my words and one of my own crept over my face.

Preview:

It was as if we were waiting for an explosion but one didn't come. He just kept staring at the juice like he was waiting for it to ferment so he could have an excuse not to drink it. His eyes slowly rose to meet my own which were focused on him despite my book being open. He smiled and tilted his head to the side, appearing yielding before he opened his mouth. The way his eyes looked at me made me feel like the world had stopped on its axis and started tumbling into open space, defying all gravity. It was a horrible feeling of dread and a growing defense against the impending words. I could hardly wait for his voice to break the tension and yet I could wait longer still.


	10. Demyx

**Empty**

10.  
Pairings: Axel/Zexion, Demyx/Roxas and possible Sora/Riku  
Rating: M  
Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think  
Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.  
Summary: Axel is popular, his family is loaded, so why does he smile when he can feel each of his ribs? Zexion is quiet, but he's watched Axel for what had felt like forever. Sometimes things happen too quickly, or not quickly enough.

Author's Note: I am so, so sorry for the wait.

Zexion.

His hair was flat, which was an odd sight to see. I half thought his hair was formed into spines protruding from his skull naturally because, unlike anyone else, Demyx's hair was _always_ done. He wasn't as bouncy as normal either and it was plain to see that he was not happy. He wasn't just sad either but completely miserable for some mysterious reason. He was just sitting there with Axel and me. When he had called Axel's phone and not gotten an answered he had messaged me and my crappy little track phone bleeped with a text. I had asked Axel's mother if he could come over and she said yes, of course but Axel had been asleep so Demyx said he would wait. We were there though, all together, me with my book, Axel with some notes for a class and Demyx staring into a cup of apple juice.

It was as if we were waiting for an explosion that never came. He just kept staring at the juice like he was waiting for it to ferment. After a while, his eyes slowly rose to meet my own which were found to be were focused on him despite my book being open. He smiled and tilted his head to the side, appearing slightly vulnerable before he opened his mouth. The way his eyes looked at me made me feel like the world had stopped on its axis and started tumbling into open space, defying the force of gravity. We were falling full force into a huge expanse of possibilities in all different degrees of unpleasantness, our inertia hurtling us towards each idea faster than it seemed we were ready for. The horrible feeling of dread it caused created a growing defense against the impending words. I could hardly wait for his voice to break the tension but my curiosity was rivaled only by my apprehension which made me wish he would never speak.

"Larxene got in a car accident." The blonde said into the cup between him hands, peering away from both of us as he spoke. Axel's head lifted and I stayed flawlessly still. Demyx laughed a little and shrugged with his chin quivering for only a second. "She's at the hospital, they told me to stay away for now, you know how I am with blood, Ax." He looked less like he was going to cry the longer he took steadying breaths to calm himself, you could see the tears receding in his eyes. Even with the soothing intake of air to stabilize him, it looked like he was on a precipice of sorts.

"Is she okay?" I was surprised by my own voice jumping out before any others could. His eyes trained onto me once again and I felt helpless to relieve him. He shrugged once again, breathing more deeply like he was a balloon, getting as much air in as possible.

"She's still unconscious. A drunk driver hit her on her way back from college. She was coming home for Mom's birthday." The silence tore on after that for hours; of course we spoke to him, our words were hollow though, it was a metaphoric silence. The silence we experienced was the silence of someone trying to handle something very fragile and very expensive. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, if it was what someone was supposed to do, or if it was only making things worse. Demyx never cried that night. He stayed with us, soft and gentle looking with tears trapped in his eyes that just wanted to be spilt every once in a while. I wanted to tell him that if it was worth it to cry over anything than it was worth it to cry over his sister. It felt wrong to tell him that, who was I to tell him to unleash his emotions when I kept my own bottled up? When it came time to sleep Demyx called home and held a hushed conversation that Axel and I listened to intently until he returned and asked if it was alright to stay the night.

Without a second thought Axel agreed and offered to drive me home since we had agreed I would go home that night and it was nearing the witching hour. The car ride over was quiet, and Axel dropped me off at the spot where he had picked me up in the morning which was not far at all from my house and when I got out of the car I knocked on the passenger door, where Demyx was sitting. He looked up at me through the window in a deject way that only reaffirmed how I felt about what I was going to do. I motioned him outside of the car and he slowly climbed out at my command. As he stood before me in the cold it was hard to not love him.

"You can call me at any hour, you can text me at any moment you need and I'll do everything for you. Now let me hold you for a minute." The look on his face was so brilliantly sentimental that it almost looked like he was crumbling and I think he might have been. He was shaking, his breathing rasping when I grasped him in a hug, but he nuzzled his face into my shoulder and held me like a small child after a nightmare. I was beginning to see why everyone made such a big deal out of hugs.

"Thank you, Zexion." He whispered with a broken voice before he moved back once more and righted himself. I didn't understand why he didn't let himself cry. He was frightened and cheerless yet wouldn't release the tension. It was as if he thought crying would make him weak.

"Hey, what happened to Zexy? What's this Zexion stuff?" I teased but it just came out stiff, like I was fighting with my own grief which maybe I was. It hurt to watch him in pain. I may not have liked Larxene at all either but I was scared for her, all the different emotions and possible outcomes for his sister were swirling around inside of me and maybe it hurt me a fraction of what it hurt him but it was still tough to cheer him up when nothing would.

"Right… right, Zexy." He waved his hand and nodded, looking back into the car, clearly wanting to sit down and escape the awkwardness with me. The way he was behaving stung, his words were full of air, more like ethereal whispers rather than a regular volume. He was hurting so much and I could not fix it…

"Crying doesn't make you weak. I'll go now. Okay, Dem-Dem?" I tried a smile and tilted my head like he did, trapping a little bit of his light inside of me. He choked out a miserable laughe again and nodded.

"I love you, Zexy. Stay out of trouble." He said softly before climbing into the car. I leaned over and looked inside where Axel was smiling sadly at me. His hand made a little gun and he moved it in a small motion, twirling from his temple down like a suave yet casual wave someone wearing a tux in an old movie would give. I returned the deject expression of mingled relief and worry before standing up straight and walking back in the directions I had come from that morning. Axel drove away with our friend safely in the passenger seat.

When I got into the house, my father was standing in the kitchen, cleaning which was not common, but not exactly rare either. I greeted him softly and he grunted in response before I went into my room. He had left me a note under the door that I found once I wandered inside. It was an apology. There was always an apology. He rarely hit me, honestly, and it was never bad. This was probably the third time in a year and a half or two years, but he was simply a frightening man. He was prejudice against so many things it made my head spin sometimes. He had anger problems and when he drank, they were the worst. However, everything was usually fine, we even had really good times where we laughed so hard together we would choke or nearly start crying.

I loved him so much but he made it hard for me to bring people around. After mom had died things got tougher. He had just lost his job which had barely paid for anything as it was. There was nothing left in the economy for us and while he was drunk, I yelled at him. I hadn't deserved the beating, but in retrospect, I should have controlled myself better because I knew how he acted when he wasn't sober. He still felt bad though. I knew he would, it was what the grunt was about. He was a tough soul but he was a good man. He just fell into traps easily.

The note detailed his guilt and how he had gone job hunting and was waiting for a few calls from a few different places. He was looking for two jobs this time so maybe we could pay off the house finally, and he said we were close to it. Once the house was paid off and the mortgage was gone we would be able to cover all our other expenses. It was a nice line of talk but it would take time and I was still angry with him for the previous night. We couldn't afford three meals a day and sometimes it wasn't even two. The only reason I kept my phone was because it was so cheap: only ten dollars a month with a decent plan. Besides, I needed it for work, even if they were giving me less hours as the days wore on. I walked out into the kitchen and patted his back.

"I love you, Dad." He nodded, the wrinkles and haggard look on his face betraying more than anything else had. I knew he loved me, it was what kept me around even through the verbal bullying he sometimes engaged in and the occasional slap or object thrown. I knew full well he loved me, he just couldn't control himself sometimes. Slowly I walked back to my room and lowered myself on the bed. My face still looked pulpy but I wasn't stiff due to the activities of the day but it was as I laid down that all the emotions I suppressed all day came back and it was all I could do to keep breathing.

I was scared, worried, and lonely suddenly, my mind disparaged, and exhausted. I was completely and totally exhausted and as much as I was not comfortable as I lay down behind my closed door, I fell asleep within five minutes at the most.

/ / /

There was an audible sound of my hair freezing as the bitter air collided with me in the morning. I was mildly horrified by the crackling but the risk of my being tardy overrode my apprehension of frozen hair. I had taken longer than normal to rouse myself from the heavy warmth of my blankets and quilts, and as a result, I was forced to brave the frigid weather sooner than I was comfortable with. I was never particularly unhappy with my morning walks, except when my snot snapped inside of my nose from the temperature, but that morning it was too much to deal with when the added worry, and fear for Demyx and his sister was added into the list of things I had to ignore. I decided to focus on the cold instead of facing the reality that a friend of mine had a sister in the hospital who might die, the temperature kept me calm at least. It bit into my flesh even through the cheap thrift store coat I always wore.

I had never been late in high school, I rarely ran behind schedule, so I let my annoyance and infuriation about the slow progression take precedence in my mind. Nearly anything was better than thinking about how nervous I was. My boots crashed obnoxiously in the slush and ice of the poorly shoveled sidewalk as I urged my rebellious muscles to move forward more. I would have loved to simply crawl back into bed again and not face the day but familiar tail lights in a black Saturn came into sight near to where Axel had picked me up before and I felt relieved in a way. I could enjoy the other male's company and feel better with his smiles, silly words and laughter; I could appreciate Axel's way of always doing everything just right for someone else. I realized suddenly how much I had missed him after I went home the night previous and my pace quickened, so I could see him moments sooner than I had before. It was ridiculous.

The redhead hadn't noticed my approach, he was resting his head on the steering wheel, snapping rubber bands that were around his wrist. I hesitated for a moment with my hand on the door handle, and just watched him. He looked like a mess, his hands were shaking despite the awkward movements to snap the rubber against the softer inside of his wrists. He was using three bands to inflict the pain and it fascinated me. I didn't understand it, I doubted that it was a good idea for him to do it though, there could not be innocent reasons behind it.

"Hey, are you waiting for me?" I asked while swinging open the door and climbing in beside him. He looked startled as if he has not heard my approach to the car, and the unguarded way he looked made him seem like he was worse off than he might have been. The bags under his eyes were terrible to look at and he looked like he hadn't slept at all.

"Yeah, good morning." He smiled in a friendly manner before putting the car in drive.

"Where's Demyx?" I asked quietly, my worry for him had faded for a few moments in my gladness to see Axel but his presence was startling.

"I dropped him off at his house, he didn't want to go to school this morning, I don't blame him." Axel was driving very slowly, the back of his hand looked freezing, the skin showed a mild discoloration. I was a responsible person, I was an amazing student, I was not one to do rebellious things but my next words were flying out of my mouth so fast that I barely even minded how silly I sounded.

"Take me back to your house, alright? We should rest, you look like you didn't sleep and I don't think I can make it through school without freaking out. There's too much going on." I blurted it all out but managed to sound confident in skipping out on our responsibilities. I wondered if it was how I spoke about things that were wrong – acting like they didn't matter while making them known. Axel's look of surprise was simple and warm, he was considering it and, while he looked tempted, his mouth was turned down into a disapproving expression. "I want to spend time with you, and I need to rest." I said, hoping he wouldn't turn me down, hoping he was going to feel special and needed or wanted by my words. I was not going to tell him I had missed him last night when I was scared and depressed but I could tell him how I felt now. That seemed to change his mind.

"My mother's at work already and Reno was going to leave a few minutes after I left. We can call into the school sick, or something." He said with a soft exhalation that seemed like a sigh of relief. A world of possibilities flew through my mind in a few slow seconds and my cheeks threatened to turn a scarlet shade of red. We had been alone before, and when we were he had attached his mouth to my neck, giving me a hickey. I wondered if this time was going to be similar, I doubted it but I sort of hoped for it at the same time. I didn't particularly want to be the person he used for physical stimulation though. I didn't want to be just another person. He was already driving us back to his house as my mind wandered to the different things that happened between Axel and I. It was so odd to really think about the progress we had made over the past month, I saw him almost every single day outside of school, I had spent enormous amounts of time with him and plenty of time with Demyx as well. When I thought more about it, I spent more time with them outside of school than I ever had with any of my friends all through high school.

It was startling to look at him and realize how close I had let us become in such a short amount of time. He was someone I had always felt fondly for but it had never been true feelings because I had not known him. He had been only a face and the words I had listened in on, more than anything he had been the representation of a person and not an actual physical being to me. Now that I spent so much time with him, he was real, he had deeper thoughts and traits that bubbled just below the surface, where he didn't trust me to venture just yet. I knew much more about him, I was accustomed to him, he was my friend and not someone to idolize. I cared about him and it was shocking to look at him and see everything I knew before mixed so blatantly with everything I knew now. I wanted to tell him that I had this odd sensation of _knowing_ him finally. Telling him that I felt so much closer to him, meant telling him I had swooned over his existence like a pathetic school girl. I was not willing to make myself look like a fool in that way just yet.

He pulled into his driveway just in time for my thoughts to diffuse and swim into new territories. His hands moved shakily through the motions of turning off the car and grasping for his things, while I simply plucked my fingers over the hem of the zipper on my bag and watched his movements. It seemed like a journey to his front door, he was sluggish and I felt badly for him. I wanted to help him, I wanted to know what exactly to say to help him, and I wanted to know what was wrong, specifically. He kicked off his shoes and stripped off his jacket with me following suit behind him, the warmth of his house wonderful and mixed with the spicy scent of pumpkin and cinnamon. It was a mixture of a candle left burning in his kitchen and the male in front of me who wandered his way directly to the kitchen as if in a stupor.

"I'm going to make coffee, want some?" His voice was strained, like he was holding back, hoping for something perhaps, or simply trying to act tougher than he was. I rested on a stool in his breakfast nook, nodding when he looked at me. That was when things seemed to be strange, he half smiled and nodded but didn't move to make the coffee. We stared at each other until he looked at the counter, leaning on it with his cotton-clad shoulders peaking like dark, black mountains around his thin neck. His fingers were pressed firmly against the surface and they seemed to strain a little bit, turning chalkier than they had been before. I was worried but silent, letting the sound of his breathing, the heating vents in his house, and the occasional car passing his house on the slushy street outside be the only noise near us. I tried to focus on the cars, the sound of their speed as the treads of their tires pulled the snowy mash of atoms off of the pavement to only grind it against the hard surface again. I tried to picture the slow motion of the wheels shining as they rolled in the white morning sunlight. The images I was trying to focus on were not enough to block out the steady way his biceps twitched or the way his head hung, the sound of his sighs were too loud in the silence for me to disappear. I didn't know how to handle the situation, how to interpret his actions or what I was supposed to do but his sudden movement to stand up straight was disquieting, and it abruptly shattered my calculating train of thought. He held his head and made a moaning sound, one hand grasping the edge of the counter as if he was holding it to stay upright. The palm of his other hand was snuggly held against one eye socket, his mouth open to gasp air subconsciously and his nose scrunched up in discomfort.

"Are you alright?" My voice broke, the crackling of my throat seeming obnoxious as it cleared the disuse away. I coughed a little, not pleased that I sounded pubescent; even if it was simply because I had said very little from the time I had woken up until then.

"Yeah," he seemed too breathy though, his words light in volume yet heavy with the lie that was so blatant it was nearly insulting. I pursed my lips, biting them a bit and wetting the bottom one before breathing to speak.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, really." He murmured and made an unintentional clicking noise as he moved his tongue in his mouth. I didn't believe for one second that he was fine, it looked like he had gotten dizzy and that was worrying, he probably had not slept much and as I thought on it, I couldn't recall the last time he ate a meal in front of me.

"How about we eat some breakfast and sleep?" My suggestion was shot down immediately by a shaking of his head. He rubbed one eye slowly and breathed out evenly before looking at me, his hands both on the counter now, one green apple iris surrounded by a pink hue on his skin from the rubbing of his hand. He had dark circles under his eyes I hadn't really paid much attention to before.

"Maybe just sleep, Demyx was up most of the night."

"I'm sort of hungry, I don't really want to eat at your house if you're not eating though." My voice trailed, my focus on him completely in a different way than it ever was normally. He just stared at me, as if calculating my intentions and I smiled a little bit, not sure exactly what else to do.

"Alright, Zexion." He conceded and began gathering the usual sort of breakfast things. For a little while our conversation was sparse and it seemed like Axel couldn't stop from eating. He was either staring at me or shoveling something else into his mouth. It looked like he didn't even chew some of the food – just swallowed it. I wanted to stop watching him eat, but I couldn't. The way he voraciously devoured the food didn't fit with his normal behavior. I had never seen him eat like this before. He cut things up, loads of small pieces, he shredded bread and drank glass after glass of orange juice. It looked like he was losing control of something, like he was reverting to a way of comforting himself, like he couldn't resist the food. I was frightened in a way, his immediate change in behavior was so startling. Abruptly, he stopped and tapped his fingers, shifting his weight where he was sitting next to me with the collection of breads, poptarts, cinnamon buns, and cereals in front of us. Then he suddenly stood up, turning to me for a moment, awkward in a way I hadn't seen him before.

"I forgot to shower, I'm going to go do that." He was rushed sounding, which was confusing, his mannerisms were all off, his eyes were too hazy looking, his hands were shaking worse now than they had before. I was frightened, nearly shaking from it, too.

"Can't you do that after we sleep? You look exhausted, come on, if you're lucky we can cuddle or something." My head tripped over itself as I spoke but the physical contact would actually be very pleasant. Axel didn't tease me like he normally would, he shot a sly smile to me, but his words failed him, for some reason he was torn between a shower and cuddling with me which he would probably not receive the chance for in a long while. "Come on," I mumbled while standing and motioning him to follow me to his room which he did mechanically. Maybe he was just feeling the need for routine because the chaos of his best friend's sister in the hospital, that could explain his weird way of acting. I didn't bother turning on the light to his room, the open door displayed enough light for me to see the way to his bed in the blacked out atmosphere. I wanted to believe he was acting strangely because of Demyx. It was easier to handle than anything else.

"Zexion, I should really shower before this," his syllables were a little more panicked but I was feeling daring. I felt needed and important which gave me confidence and a certain exuberance that I did not normally have – I grasped his hand and pulled him into the dark room. He kicked the door shut as we stumbled to his bed in the pitch black area, he had explained how he needed it so dark so the pictures in his dark room wouldn't be ruined when he opened the door to his bedroom.

"It's alright, you smell nice." I reassured, feeling as if we had switched positions in our normal banter. This wasn't banter, though, this was him needing someone, I told myself. The crumpling noises of movement into the space between the sheets was loud to my ears, the crisp feel of the cotton against my bare arms and feet contrasted beautifully with the sensation his body so near to mine caused upon my form. His bed was larger than mine, it had enough room for us to lay near one another without touching but I chose to stay against him. I pressed my face into his pillows for a moment, taking in his scent before I relaxed into the comfortable surroundings.

His mouth opened, so close to me that I could smell the food upon his breath, it wasn't unpleasant but it was certainly different. His body was rigid, he was tense and it was unlike him in so many ways. My confidence faltered, my mind second guessed everything that I had been thinking, everything about what had been happening this morning with him and I didn't know what was right or what was wrong. I felt stupid, I felt naïve and ridiculous, my face probably burnt with color but we were in the dark so it didn't matter. Axel's breathing was uneven but he had his mouth shut and was breathing through his nose. I wanted to know what was going on inside of his head, what was happening that I didn't know about. I felt like I was missing some important information that would make all the events clear. He was simply silent as he pressed close to my body once again, his rigidity not changing.

"Zexion, I need a shower." He said once more, his tone still panicked. I nodded, conceding that he might need some semblance of normality during a tough period. Perhaps a shower was best, it could comfort him and then he could feel more at ease. Things had been more difficult for him than I probably knew, I had no right to stop him from doing what was best for him. The images of him snapping the rubber bands on his wrist, and eating so quickly in his kitchen, those stuck in my head, though. I was worried, I only wanted to help.

"I'll wait for you, alright?" I offered, and he nodded, leaving the bedroom quickly, leaving the door cracked just the barest amount so that some light shown in, a cold white bar falling into the room and casting its frigid radiance around the darkness. Axel's bed smelt like heavy cinnamon, febreeze, and a mild tone of cigarette scent dancing within. It was comforting, the embrace of his blankets, along with the smell of his bedding all around me lulled me into a sleepy stupor. I could hear Axel crying, I assumed that's what those sounds were, anyway, the coughs and sometimes small groans that were hushed under the spray of the water. I wished I could hold him.

Preview:

"You can talk to me." His voice was like a sheer curtain flowing in the wind. It twisted in my mind, turned elegantly and sunk back into place as mere words. Words you could see through in the light. They were simply words that meant nothing, they hid things, blocked your view of the truth outside, they hung on the metal bar above my head and wrapped around me in the wind but they didn't stop me from feeling the cold. They didn't stop me from seeing the landscape just outside of the window. I wondered if it took many curtains to recover. I wondered for a moment if I could wrap enough of his words around me so the images of purges, starvation, and exercise were completely obscured. I wondered if he could tell me so many things that I would forget anything else, I could stay wrapped up in his sheer curtains with the window closed. A few moments after I thought those things, though, they were gone. There would never be anything to hide the disorder from my mind; it would always be there somewhere, in the back of my mind.


	11. Flustered

**Empty**

11. Flustered  
Pairings: Axel/Zexion, Demyx/Roxas and possible Sora/Riku  
Rating: M  
Warnings: ED related issues  
Disclaimer: I don't own KH.

Author's Note: So the editing might suck on this one because I am really tired, but I really, really wanted to post this tonight since I owe you all. Please forgive my sparse updates.

Axel.

What have I done to myself? That was the phrase that played over and over in my head while the food churned painfully inside of my bowels. What have I done to my perfect streak? What will this cause? The guilt was already overwhelming, my emotions were on edge. It was as if I was on the side of a knife, waiting for the wrong move to tip me over the serrated edge, completely shredding me as I fell. The imagery was not something that helped me calm down.

Over and over, I counted the calories of what I had eaten – or what I could remember of what I had eaten. I truthfully did not remember a good deal of the food. My arms had reached, my mouth chewed, my muscles were mechanic and everything was out of my control for a while. Zexion had watched. That struck me suddenly, as if I hadn't noticed him before in the room while I shoveled the food in through the binge haze. He had watched me with wide eyes, eyes judging how much I was eating, eyes that were shocked that I could eat that much. His eyes thought I was weak; he was taken aback by my surge of disgusting engorgement. I couldn't stand to think of him watching me any longer.

My skin was crawling; my stomach was already aching from the sudden substance I had forced inside. I couldn't deal with it any longer. I could not sit still; I could not continue without the other half of my cycle – the purge. It was an itch that you needed to scratch; it was the effect of a cause. There was no binge without a purge. I'd like to say it worked for the other way around as well but that is not true, the purge could happen anytime that I needed it. I was panicking, I could feel the sharp pricks of the forceful emotion wandering through my blood and then racing over my muscles. I didn't speak, my body moved for my wishes to leave, to run, to escape the things inside of me. The failures, the loneliness, the fear of the future, all of those things exploded through my every thought. They masqueraded as my hate of food, my fear of food, my need to control something. The small things that built up hid themselves behind the easier problem of foods. Food was easier than living. The shower was finally hot enough for me to get in, the familiar motions of the purge coming easily and immediately. I didn't know when to stop. I hadn't chewed properly, the orange juice made me cough and sputter ridiculously. My eyes puffed as the tears streamed down from the pain of half chewed food scratching on the way back up.

The bathroom was across the hall, the shower all the way up, and I thought it would be enough noise to cover everything, but Zexion;s voice splintered as it struck the locked bathroom door. The syllables sunk into the carpet and crept under the door to dance before me on the tiled floor. What mattered was not being caught in the act. What mattered was keeping the façade. What mattered was getting through these moments to keep Zexion from guessing everything. My mind, which was normally quick to come up with excuses, refused to work fast enough. Zexion was knocking on the door; he was asking if I was alright. The concern in his voice pounded against my sanity like a battering ram.

"I just need some time. I just need to shower, and clear my head. I need to be clean." They weren't lies. I needed to be clean; my insides needed to be clean again, the spotless pink of a binge-free span of time. The dirt of food, the dirt of weakness needed to be depurated and swept away. I needed the purity of pastels, not the strong, bold flavors of everything. I couldn't handle the full color of life; I needed the diluted and soft pastels of a half starved person. I needed things missing to experience everything else. I needed to take the food away to cope with everything else.

"I'm worried, Axel." He leaned against the door from the sound of things. The white pearl tones of the bathroom were hushed. I wanted to close the curtains over the shut shades but I didn't want to move. The light was too much right then, I didn't want it, I wanted the safe dark, the soft solitude of it, the strong feel of blackness. I wanted to hide, I wanted to sleep, and I wanted to throw up. I had purged some, I wished I knew how much, I ached and my throat burnt. I needed salt water and to exercise, but I didn't want it. I felt like crying, my eyes were watering and spilling, sure, but that wasn't crying. The force of the purge caused tears to come to my eyes, but I wanted to _really_ cry. I wanted the rib shaking sobs that cleansed your emotions and reverted you to normal.

"I'll only be a few minutes." That was the end of the conversation. That was when the second purge set into my mind, the way you ready yourself for a jump off of a high place, I made myself ready for the fingers in my throat. I had to convince myself to do it, it was nearly as hard as convincing myself not to do it which was something new.

I didn't want to face him when I had to leave the bathroom. I hoped Zexion might be asleep, but I doubted it. More than likely he was reading somewhere quietly, waiting for me. I wanted to simply curl into bed and sleep, my throat hurt, my body was stiff from bending in the proper position, and I was warm from the shower and the food itself which was not something I was used to. The exertion of energy in the act was too grand for me to not feel exhausted on top of the drowsiness from the comfort of warmth. I took my time patting down my body, ruffling my hair with the towel, and getting dressed. I looked in the mirror and noticed the different ribs, the curve of my spine. I could barely stop looking at the hollows of my body, it was entrancing. I saw inflated surfaces, puffier than what someone else would see, and I knew this. I knew my view of my own limbs was distorted, I knew I morphed my body into something else but I couldn't see anything different. Sometimes a mild glimpse would show through when I tried hard enough but that was when I had been trying to recover. I had not gotten very far, but that was obvious.

Outside the door, the hallway was empty. I had been bracing myself for Zexion to be sitting there; I had pictured him with a coffee and a book, his brows furrowed into a worried knot like they had when Demyx was talking the night previous. It was silly of me to picture him like that because he never got himself anything to eat or drink without my help, even a glass of water. He was in my room, I found out as I turned on a small lamp near the door. The warm light washed over his face, and made his eyes look watery as he watched me. I felt guilty, I felt as if I had ran straight into a door of pure transgression. He looked more concerned than anything else, and that was harder to see than I had thought it would be.

That was the part I hated worst of all when it came to people helping me – the look on their faces. The sympathy made me uncomfortable, as if it was forcing me to take a step back and look at exactly what an event was causing for me or others. I didn't want to think that my eating habits had anything to do with anyone else but I knew they did. I never tried to fool myself by saying that I could do what I wanted with my body because it was mine. I would never want to watch a friend suffer and my eating habits forced suffering into me just as much as the emotions that sparked the need for the coping methods I kept. Unhealthiness begets unhealthiness, I knew that starving, purging, and over exercising were only making things worse because they harmed me. I knew Demyx would be in pain if he knew, I knew my mother would ache, I knew everyone who cared would be worried and upset by it. That didn't make stopping much easier or appealing, though. I could hide it.

Zexion slid his body off of my bed and wandered towards me, taking in the redness around my eyes, probably. Maybe he would assume I had been crying and too proud to do it in front of him. I didn't know where to go from the point we were at. I was warm, damp, and tired. I felt filled still, as if the food was still inside of me, which some of it was. I couldn't stand the sounds, I couldn't deal with the wetness of my throat, the slick coating my hand got as I wriggled it inside of my mouth. The smell turned me around, the panic had abated and I felt a bit better. The guilt still churned inside of me, the pain of the binge still ached, I wanted to continue purging but I knew I could not. I wanted the pills that would help, the tablets that would clear my system. I wanted the feel of nearly being thin, again.

"You can talk to me." His voice was like a sheer curtain flowing in the wind. It twisted in my mind, turned elegantly and sunk back into place as mere words. Words you could see through in the light. They were simply words that meant nothing, they hid things, blocked your view of the truth outside, they hung on the metal bar above my head and wrapped around me in the wind but they didn't stop me from feeling the cold. They didn't stop me from seeing the landscape just outside of the window. I wondered if it took many curtains to recover. I wondered for a moment if I could wrap enough of his words around me so the images of purges, starvation, and exercise were completely obscured. I wondered if he could tell me so many things that I would forget anything else, I could stay wrapped up in his sheer curtains with the window closed. A few moments after I thought those things, though, they were gone. There would never be anything to hide the disorder from my mind; it would always be there somewhere, in the back of my mind.

"Thanks," my words came out too delayed, and he frowned. Silence carried on and I busied myself with tidying up my desk, moving the pictures and scattered papers into piles as he simply stood there and watched me. The way he was trying to search for words made me uneasy, the way he was twisting his hands over the hem of his shirt made me want to be sick again with the sheer nervousness he was projecting into the rest of the room. "Hey, do you want to watch a movie?"

I turned to him quickly as I spoke, and he jolted a little bit in his place, his eyes moving from being downturned and focused on my floor to jumping to my face. He shrugged a small bit, his skin looking mildly orange in the light, as if it was soft candle light; the yellow haze of the lamp washed through the room and complimented every tone in his face. The curve of his cheeks were especially highlighted but it was unhappily so because the profile of them reflected his worry. They weren't lifted with his smile, they weren't tugged towards his eyes with the bouncing chuckles he exuded on occasion, they hung there in concern, flat and smooth. I wanted him to stop looking like something was wrong so I could go back to ignoring everything inside of me.

His affirmative answer lead me to rummage around my room for a set of disks and then motion him to the living room. In a cabinet we set out to find a movie, along with my filled disk holder. He mentioned how he rarely watched movies so he hadn't seen most of the ones I owned. We searched for a while and came up with a stack of movies that were of interest. The one we settled on was something I hadn't expected Zexion to be so interested in, although I should have guessed it. Beauty and the Beast's menu screen played over and over on my television screen as we gathered pillows, blankets, and assorted other things to make the experience more comfortable. The mood was lightening, his thoughts stopped dwelling on what had just happened and we focused on the movie as fuzz and fluff surrounded our bodies comfortably. It was a relief to focus on something outside of my own mind.

The movie was longer than I remembered from when I was younger, and by the end, we were involved with the plot, the characters were jumping out of the screen at us, they were all around, their words and actions real to us. We laughed together, became somber and nervous with the arch of the story and then fell with the decrescendo. Then the Disney flick was over and we were back to reality. It wasn't uncomfortable like before, it felt like normal between us. We relaxed comfortably in each other's presence and for a while things were simple. The game of cat and mouse that I had started didn't exist, the tension of our worry for Demyx faded into a mere background problem that was outside of our current sphere. We were friends, pure and true.

Nothing else happened that day that made any difference to our state. We enjoyed a lazy day together, an easy few hours before I dropped him off at work and picked up Demyx to bring him back to my house after exchanging a few text messages. When we got back to my house we sat down in the wreckage of what Zexion and I had left of the blankets and pillows scattered around my living room and all over the furniture.

"Zexion is attractive." Demyx said suddenly, looking around the room before sitting down on one side of the couch and pulling a blanket around his shoulders. He clearly had not slept even though I had dropped him off at his house with the intention of him sleeping. His words made me skip a beat, jealousy inching inside of me while also feeling like the statement was an accusation of sorts. When I didn't respond, Demyx continued. "Tell me about him."

"What do you mean? You know him, we're all friends." I half fluttered my hand in dismissal, confused and unsteady at the same time.

"Ax, I don't want to think about anything with Larxene and that's all I can think of. Tell me what's been going on with Zexion." The drawl of his voice was distraught and frustrated at the same time, both tones mixing and fighting for dominance. I just stared for a while, my body feeling electrified; my heart must have felt energized because it was speeding with what I could only guess was nerves.

"He rejected me." I hadn't shared it with anyone, and the words sounded so much emptier than they were to me. They sounded cheap when Demyx was worried about his sister, compared to his problems, mine were weak and pathetic. "It's no big deal, but I thought-" That was where I stopped, I didn't know what to say past that. What _had_ I thought? It seemed as if I hadn't thought much at all. I had simply been wandering around in my own ignorance. I had been playing a game with Zexion, I had been leading him on, toying with his feelings, laughing at his struggle with handling my presence. I had reveled in how nervous I made him. He made me feel better about things, about the way I was, and I exploited him to make myself feel better. In the end it backfired because he was smart enough to know I was playing with him. He would have had to be an idiot not to see it.

"You thought, what?"

"I thought he wouldn't know me as well as he did." The answer was weak, but true with all of the revelations I had come into the possession of. Zexion had spent enough time with me, he knew enough about me to confuse the hell out of him. He couldn't trust me, I made it so he second guessed everything I did or everything I said to him on certain occasions. He didn't have any clue what was real or what was not. The more I thought about it, I didn't know when it stopped being a game and started to be something I actually wanted. I didn't remember when Zexion became a real person to me, and not an object of comparison.

It took a while to articulate everything to Demyx but he listened and chimed in at the right times, he said all the right things and made me think. The afternoon digressed and we turned to different discussions, what sports we were going to go out for in college, if we had heard back from any schools yet, on and on. I had forgotten college was coming. I hadn't cared because in a lot of ways, I hadn't even thought I'd make it through high school, college was so far off. I imagined people in college as people who had their lives together, people who had themselves together and the unhealthy lifestyles they lived were abolished. They traded those unhealthy ways in for new habits, like binge drinking and copious amounts of sex. The closer the departure for universities were, the closer came the truth of college just being a continuation of everything in everyone's lives previous to leaving. College was the next chapter in the same novel, it wasn't a whole new book at all.

The day wore on longer, the hours being filled with video games and cheetos I didn't eat. The time ticked by and Reno returned home, soon followed by my mother who respected Demyx's wish to not be pestered about anything. She offered sushi for dinner and California rolls but they were put off until later. The rice balls sat with the pickled vegetables and seaweed next to the salted salmon, all of them looking perfect as if they were mere photographs.

As Demyx and I played through too many versus battles of Soul Calibur, and enough rounds of DDR to get us both to collapse on the couch with aching thumbs and hair sticking to our foreheads drenched in sweat.

"Do you want me to talk to him?" The blonde interjected out of nowhere, but it only took a few moments of me quizzically glancing at him to know which '_him'_ Demyx was speaking of.

"No, I think I'll figure it out, you helped already." My reassuring smile made the blonde look like his usual self again, obviously we had succeeded in distracting him. It was only a matter of time before the issue came up again, though.

"When does he get off work, anyway?" A shrug was my response to the answer and then a quick padding down of my pockets which showed how little attention to my phone I paid. It was not in my pockets but Demyx was already pulling his out of a jean pocket. "I'll text him."

While we waited for an answer, we wandered to the kitchen where my insides met the feel of icy water, and Demyx chugged a soda. I could imagine the sticky feel of the sugar and the beautiful burn from the carbonation. If I had been wearing elastic bands, I would have snapped one for even thinking about the soda that way after a binge. I was so hungry though, nearly 12 hours had passed and my stomach was screaming in its greedy manner. It wanted more, but in reality, it did not. My stomach was not _allowed_ to want more; It was large enough in its current state.

"He's getting out at 8, did you want him to come over?" Demyx asked between searching through a drawer and opening a cabinet. The concise sadness was creeping back into his voice and his actions were becoming less fluid than they had been in the previous few minutes.

"Did you? You were the one who wanted to know."

"I'll invite him, he's always good company." The small smile the blonde gave before diving into his phone was startling when accompanied by the words. I had been so caught up in my own little world I hadn't taken the time to acknowledge that Demyx and Zexion were friends on their own now, I was no longer the glue holding us all together.

The chore of eating was avoided by a small margin, both with my own will wavering and my best friend hovering around the kitchen. I acted convincingly enough, though, and he didn't notice as I slipped chunks of my seaweed salad into the trash whenever he turned around. We were standing around the counters still when he announced we should get going if we were going to get Zexion in time.

The car ride was short, and the air was bitter. My punishment for the binge was less layers than normal. The cold stung my skin and froze my insides. The cold was welcome in a sense, the cold marked my success, the cold showed my progress. Demyx was too frigid with the heat off, though, and so the heat was turned on inside of my Saturn. Zexion was standing outside of the book store like the night we went ice skating, only there were more clouds tonight. His whole head was tipped back, showing a few inches of the smooth outline of his neck before it was covered by a scarf and obscured by stray strands of hair. His hands were resting comfortably in his pockets and his mouth hung open a little, in his odd amazement with the world. I wondered how he could stay so enthralled by the places around us when everything was so broken and terrible. I wanted to ask him but he tore his gaze away from the sky and to the flashing headlights of my car as they lit his figure up against the brick of the building behind him, and I remembered Demyx was there, and I'd rather hear the answer when we could talk about it more. I opened my window as we rolled near him.

"The clouds look like waves." The slate haired teen said, while pointing to a section of clouds which Demyx and I had to lean over the dashboard to see. They looked like sheets of ocean water, he was right, each layer was swirling and crashing in a cacophony of beauty. It was chaotic and wonderful. I half wanted to get out of the car but the open window was enough to discourage me.

"Get in, kid, I got come candy." I half smirked and was rewarded with a chuckle from both friends. Zexion slid into the back seat, tossing his bag across to the passenger side, behind Demyx and planting himself in the middle seat with the lap belt across his hips. "All set?" His affirmative sound was the only noise that reverberated above the low indie songs playing from my radio, for a while.

"Where's my candy? I like twix." Zexion said while leaning forward, his face becoming level with Demyx and my shoulders.

"It's in Axel's pants, just use your mouth." Demyx interjecting which caused me to swerve the car in reaction to the sudden laughter and Zexion to slam himself back into the seat. Most likely, his face was turning red.

"What Demyx meant by that was, the candy does not exist. We have straight up cyanide, instead." I fumbled and tried to grasp my own wit but it fell short and the laughter which ensued was making fun of my own weak attempt at fixing the situation. Demyx was acting like he felt better, at least.

"I think Axel is too flustered by the idea of you between his legs, Zexy. Otherwise he would have said something actually amusing." Demyx cajoled more, making me feel tense after everything we had spoken about and my fears with Zexion being so close in my mind from the fresh conversation and revelations.

"Axel doesn't _get_ flustered, what are _you_ talking about, Demyx?" The male in the center seat replied in a sardonic tone from behind us. I wanted to laugh but found my place as the center of conversation to be uncomfortable. I didn't like when Demyx made me the center of attention. I liked it when he did his own thing, when he didn't pay close attention to me. I fed into his interests of other people, I encouraged him to gain minor obsessions with others; I hated when he paid full attention to me, he was too focused for me to remain comfortable.

"I get flustered." There was resounding laughter from Zexion in response to my defensiveness but Demyx merely smiled and looked out of the window. He wasn't really there with us, he was doing a great job at pretending, and distracting himself but there was a part of his mind fighting for attention. The worry for his sister was nagging at him, it was sobering to watch his struggle to keep his smile in place. Boys didn't cry, boys couldn't cry, not even when we were alone. Zexion may have been supportive and saying that Demyx could relax and release his emotions, but there were consequences, Zexion had spent too much time inside of his books.

The rest of the car ride was punctuated with minute bouts of talking, and tiny jokes that were too forced and didn't do any good for anyone. Instead of focusing on the awkward stop and go of conversation, my mind turned to food, calories, and all of my pastel colored plans. Everything was light and washed out, just like my life was. I lacked color, I lacked vibrancy, everything was muted and dull – seen through a haze of my eating disorder. It was easier to keep going at this point, than it would be to even bother recovering. I was giving up before I even tried.


	12. Talk

**Empty**

12. Talk  
Pairings: Axel/Zexion, Demyx/Roxas and possible Sora/Riku  
Rating: M  
Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think  
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.  
Summary: Axel is popular, his family is loaded, so why does he smile when he can feel each of his ribs? Zexion is quiet, but he's watched Axel for what had felt like forever. Sometimes things happen too quickly, or not quickly enough.  
Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait, my beta took forever and I started working full time.

Zexion.

"Who is this?" I asked, motioning the radio as a new song came on, the singer's ethereal voice breaking through waves of technological sounds that seemed like fog in a forest. The song was like nothing I had ever heard before.

"Bjork, she's spectacular." Axel answered and Demyx made a sound of agreement, a sharp nod accompanied his approval.

"It's really different, her music, it's—" I started but Demyx shifted suddenly as a loud wave of sound came from his pocket. The redhead turned the volume down, just as Demyx inhaled and answered. It was his mother, his muttered side of the conversation revealed as much, and as Axel and I hung on his every word, Demyx seemed to brighten.

"She's woken up!" He exclaimed when he hung up, his face full of the brilliance I was accustomed to seeing there. Mingled with my excitement for Demyx, was anxiety that something could now go wrong and the hope of her awakening was going to shatter Demyx and his family. Axel and Demyx exchanged words, smiles playing on their faces, and my own harboring a look of encouragement for my blonde friend. I couldn't truly feel happy though, I was too afraid of the universe ripping people apart like it seemed to. I didn't want Demyx to be hurt more than he had been.

Axel drove to the hospital, where we sat in the waiting room, Demyx dashing off to his sister's side with his family. We weren't allowed inside because she was still in the intensive care unit where only family was permitted. The squeak of white sneakers called out below the noise of pagers, conversations and the bleeps from the machines all around us.

"You look nervous, want to take a walk?" I offered, my eyes drifting over the redhead who fidgeted beside me in a plastic chair. His fingers danced across his knees, his nails long and unhealthy looking, they seemed broken and flaked. His skin was thin, the paleness of his flesh was highlighted by the harsh fluorescent lights above. Axel stood, though, pushing himself off of the chair and immediately out of the door.

"Hospitals are creepy." He muttered, pulling out his pack of cigarettes and lighting up. I didn't reply, I wasn't sure what to say. I was emptied of my words. A painted green bench was cleared of snow and dry, so I sat, my fingers grasping a book inside of my bag while chills raced from my ass through the rest of my body. The metal of the bench was unforgiving and did not warm as I folded my legs under me, and dove into the novel.

The harsh hiss of tires on cement, and tobacco burning into my friend's lungs were washed away to mere glimmers of reality. I was inside the words, I was in a Celtic tale, a story of adventure with the fickle fey folk that live under mounds and inside of forests. Axel paced, one arm crossed over his chest, while the other held his cancer stick to his lips for puff after puff. He spit suddenly, and answered a text message, my thoughts drifting between the sounds he was making and the story calling for my attention. I didn't want to be inside of my own head. I didn't want to hold my own emotions, I wanted to hold someone else's and pretend they were my own. I wanted to devour the tales of magic and pretend my life was interesting.

"Zexion," He was watching me, his back pressed against a light post beside the bench I was perched upon. When I planted a finger on the end of a sentence I just read and peered at my thin friend, he half laughed and looked away shiftily. I waited, watching him find the words he wanted to say, giving him time for whatever was going on inside of himself. I wanted to say something, this moment felt like a precipice of sorts. The way Axel acted made me feel as if he had something important to say, he fought silently with himself, it seemed.

"Are you okay?" I asked, not able to withstand the uncomfortable silence. He was laughing again, and it seemed that I had my answer. "What's wrong?" My fingers worked at the corner of the page I had been reading, folding it over as my eyes remained firmly on the redhead. People walked by, their footsteps invading our world, their chatter and existence not rippling through my consciousness, though.

It took him a long time to respond, and even though I remained silent, I was not being patient. I wanted the issue laid out in front of me, where I could sift through the different possible solutions before I could actually fix it. He flicked what was left of his cigarette into the tall ashtray, but it tipped over the side and fell onto the ground. I watched as the filter hit the pavement and then the butt flopped onto its side, by the time it was totally still, Axel was ready to speak.

"Can we get dinner?" The syllables were a little bit shunted, I assumed it was from being nervous. He fidgeted and only enforced my notion even further, especially as his feet shuffled continuously, and he stretched his long fingers over the front of his thighs. Something seemed to be wrong, as I began packing my book back into my messenger bag, he began pacing and nearly bumped into a small girl. In Axel's defense, she was quite short and he had been looking over his shoulder at me, but I still felt like he normally wouldn't do something like that. He ignored me when I asked if he was ready, and instead shot a question of his own at me.

"What do you see when you look at the stars? It's like you see something I don't." He paused, but I didn't answer right away. I followed his gaze up at the expanse of grey and an almost purple shade of blue which was disrupted every now and again by a prickling of white light. The dusty clouds moved about and removed some of the flecks of stars from our view, only to reveal others that had previously been covered. "I just see dots and clouds. It's all pretty, sure, but the way you look at them is different. It's almost like they really exist for you, like you can touch them or something."

"Axel, just because I read a lot and try to find meaning in things hardly makes me as insightful as you seem to want to believe. The stars are the stars, that's all." I considered how deflated my words were, how untrue because to Axel the stars meant very little, if anything at all. That was not how it was for me. "I guess I've given them sentimental meaning. That doesn't mean they exist more for me, it just means I care more." He perplexed me sometimes, the way the redhead would say things out of nowhere or do things to complicate us more than we already were. Sometimes, he left me twirling around inside of my own head in pure awe. The way I couldn't understand him was endearing, exciting, and a good way to induce anxiety when I thought about it too much.

"Axel, I'm worried about you." I said, an impulsive phrase that sprang out of my mouth before I really thought better of it. I didn't particularly want to take them back, but I didn't want to explain myself either, I didn't know if we were ready to talk about what had happened between us in his room, or the sounds that came from the bathroom afterwards. I was one of those people who generally worried, I thought about things too much, I made things seem worse than they really were, but there was something else in this problem. There was something that seemed very wrong about Axel's state of being.

"Hm? Oh, where did you want to go to dinner?" The question was an obnoxiously blatant dismissal of my words.

"You're thin, you know that, right? Sometimes I think it's a scary sort of thin." Some people are naturally thin, I thought to myself, but now was not the time to back down. I was pretty sure there was something very wrong with his eating habits. As a concerned friend it was my duty to say something if I was concerned, right?

"What?" His emotions passed through his face briefly, but he covered them up quickly enough. "I was asking you what you wanted to eat, I'm hungry, it's my treat. Is that alright with you?"

"Yeah, that's fine, but I think something's wrong. Demyx and I care about you a lot, you know. If you ever need anything, I'll help you out." Honestly, I was getting a bit frustrated with his lack of cooperation, and so my words sounded a bit strained.

"I know this pizza place, we could make it a," he hesitated a moment before continuing. "We could make it a date." The last sentence was staccato, half blurted out it seemed. Perhaps the desire to say them was so built up that the syllables legitimately burnt. Somewhat flabbergasted, I just gaped at him like a useless figurine. The excitement I felt was unpleasantly mixed with suspicion and worry. Axel had toyed with me as… What? A hook up? I recalled the scene on his couch where he tempted me with sensual and sexual desires. I didn't want to be lead on, I didn't know his intentions, and I had seen no signs of much change in the way he considered me. We were closer friends now, but he had left the flirting out of a lot of things. I had to assume that meant he was uninterested, I had decided that to protect myself from emotional rejection. I was distracted, considering his words when another thought struck me, he was quite possibly distracting me now so I would divert my attention from my concerns for his health to something else. Perhaps he wasn't ready to talk about his problems yet.

"Are you trying to change the subject?" I decided, before he even answered my inquiry, that it was more likely than him actually asking me on a date. The idea that he was simply leading my mind in a different direction became more plausible when you considered that his best friend was inside of the hospital, happily reunited with his sister who was finally improving.

"No, you just weren't paying attention or letting me talk. You were the one trying to change the subject." The bite of his accusation seemed ridiculous for a moment but I let my suspicion subside. I had been so focused on the emaciation of his body, the way his sudden eating started me, and then the vomiting afterwards. I knew what was going on with all of that, I was pretty sure anyway, but my keenness to talk about it may have been being projected onto him. Perhaps he had been nervous because he was trying to convince himself to ask me on a date. That was somewhat difficult to believe, but it was plausible enough.

"So," he prompted me to answer his suggestion.

"Why a date?"

"Well, I mean," his brows furrowed and he nervously released a breath, in what I assumed was supposed to be a laugh, but ended up sounding more like an audible shiver. He licked his lips, the pinkness of his tongue darting out quickly before he began again. "What kind of question is that? It's obvious why it would be a date, isn't it?" He huffed a bit and jammed his hands into the pockets in the puff vest portion of his jacket, the thick cotton sort of material making a beautiful swishing sound against the plastic sort of material on his torso.

"No, not to me, but whatever. It's not like we're together, we're just friends." I didn't really want to deal with a conversation about feelings towards one another and the ensuing emotions thereafter. The possibility, or rather probability considering the dynamic of whatever was between us, of Axel meaning more to me than I did to him was not something I wanted to deal with. I liked having him as a friend, I didn't really need anything else, and being a fling held no interest for me at all. I didn't look at him to see his reaction, I decided it was safer for me to look at my bag and double check my belongings were inside. By doing that, I spared myself some of the awkwardness that existed because of the turn the conversation had taken.

"Alright," the stiff reply was followed by Axel swiftly wandering towards the parking lot. I hurried after, hesitating only for a moment to ponder what the 'alright' was in reference to, exactly. It seemed a tad straightforward, marking agreement with my statement, but the tone implied underlying thoughts and emotions he had. He offered no other points of conversation as he drove to the pizza place, and I was too disinterested in conversation to strike one up. The landscape passing by was enough to occupy my attention outwardly, and my own personal thoughts of inconsequential things engaged my mind. The buildings looked drab and populated, the dirty snow making the scenes unattractive and bothersome. It was not typical beauty, and I didn't find it pleasing to see at all. Winter was beginning to overstay its welcome with me, and I couldn't wait for spring to begin more than it had seemed to.

The restaurant was decorated in rustic colors, burnt orange walls, the table tops were wooden, polished, and each was adorned with a vase the color of a red fall leaf with a single unidentifiable fake flower inside. It all seemed stereotypical and cheap, the décor was more novel than actually nice. Nothing was said as we sat down, and it seemed like the table morphed into an ocean that put us thousands of miles away. Our minds were in different places, each wandering in its own direction, pushing us apart. A petite young girl took Axel's order of a cheese pizza and both of our drink orders, and she left with a bounce in her step which thrust the contrast of the tension between Axel and I in my face. I was thinking of things to say, trying to break the silence between us, but all conversation starters ran in the opposite direction inside of my head. Axel just remained silent, looking out the window placidly, as if nothing was uncomfortable or wrong. If I didn't know him better, I would assume the fake coolness he had projected was not his way of throwing walls up so I couldn't reach him.

"What's your problem?" I blurted out before I lost grasp of the courage to get things going between us once more. "Seriously, I don't know what's going on in your head." The way I said it was a bit rough, and the fleeting look of angry anxiety his face displayed was an expected response to the frustrated tone I had used, not to mention the odd way I had thrown my hands up.

"Nothing." That was it, that was all he could say about his sulking, and ultimately, the way he had been acting off and on with me. It was irritating, his lack of elaboration and refusal to confide in me, but not wholly unexpected. What had I really thought he was going to say? I didn't have an answer for myself. Thankfully, the climate between us returned to something akin to normalcy, and there was only a bit of unease left. It was a relief in a lot of ways to me, and I put thoughts of anything else out of my mind for a bit.

The next time things surfaced in my head, was when I was in my own bed, listening to the television from my father who was in the living room. I couldn't tell what dvd he was watching, I had tried to determine it for a while, but nothing came to mind. I had only been attempting to keep my thoughts off of Axel so I could find sleep, but that's more difficult than it had seemed at first. He had not treated me with any consistency, and I didn't know what to make of half of the things he did. That was untrue, and I knew it, I didn't want to try to make sense of half of his actions because there were contradictions in the way he acted. His behaviors, on a whole, were contradictory and secretive, I didn't want to hope for anything. I typically ignored my romantic feelings towards him, brushed them off as a crush since he was so attractive and had a very attractive mind, I cared about him too much in a platonic way to let things get in the way of our friendship. It hurt though, it ached sometimes, but it wasn't going to kill me to deal with the emotions. I simply didn't know what to make of his advances and retreats from me. He was a flirt, that was about the best explanation I could give to it, but asking me out was the one thing that always broke that hypothesis.

Sleep did not come easily that night, nor the nights of the following week. The days, overall, began becoming more pleasant as good news poured in about Larxene, my father getting a relatively great paying job, and Axel seeming to level out and return to the way he had been before the awkward night we had pizza together. After the first week, another equally pleasant yet more uneventful week passed by with me receiving more hours at work, and feeling more exhausted. Sleep still refused to come to me easily, and midterms began to creep up, as the snow banks crept away into the ground which left things muddy and wet. Larxene was released from the hospital as our tests began to wind down and become nonexistent, people started hearing back from the universities they had applied to, and it started to set in that high school was nearly over.

Happily, Demyx, Axel, and I had gotten into some of the same school and accepted to a few others we did not have in common, but none of us had heard from our top choices yet. My education depended on the scholarships and financial aid I would be awarded, where as Axel and Demyx did not face that problem but were both guaranteed some sort of aid. Life seemed to begin falling into a comfortable pattern that I could easily follow when Demyx threw a wrench into everything.

"He never eats, and he used to, does he eat with you?" The question was hushed with anxiety that was probably more about breaking Axel's trust than the actual inquiry. The day was mild, and we were walking to the store on my fifteen minute break at work. Demyx had stopped by the bookstore to keep me company, the both of us had grown closer and really enjoyed the companionable environment we felt while together.

"Sometimes, not often." I wanted to say more, I wanted to ask his advice, to see if we should confront Axel or just hope we were imaging things. I knew we weren't, but I didn't want the most likely alternative to be true. I wanted to hear everything Demyx was thinking about the issue, I wanted to spill out all of my thoughts and fear, but none of my internal ramblings or inquiries would leave my throat.

"I'm scared."

"Me too." That was the end of the conversation, and only silence was left of the walk until we entered the store and picked up a few small snacks. The walk back was normal, our joking attitude falling back into place, but the bit of conversation stuck with me.

Three days, it felt like a death sentence, but my manager assured me I would receive enough hours to offset the break. Three days was how long it was going to take to remodel the bookstore, and I wouldn't have work for three days. That would have been fine if I had had any homework, but I didn't. There were always books to keep me busy, but my attention was fleeting with literature. Anything that didn't have some sort of commitment attached to it, became impossible to concentrate on. It was the three days without my job that inspired me, or rather forced me, to confront Axel.

I went to his house with him after school was let out one day, and we spent the beginning afternoon drinking iced tea in his backyard, thinking of things to do with the evening since Demyx was occupied with Roxas who seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth for a while, but it turns out that he had just gone away with his family for a few weeks. I could say for a fact, that I had not thought of anything to do, and had spent the entire time obsessing over how to start an important conversation with Axel. I wasn't doing that great of a job, in all honesty.

"How does Demyx come up with so many plans so easily?" He asked, a mild growl of frustration in his voice, but he followed it up with a laugh. He seemed at ease, which was one of the last things that I was.

"Maybe we could just… talk." I suggested weakly, my pulse jumping in my veins a bit as each syllable left my lips.

"About what?" He scoffed a little, sipping from his glass, reclining his head after he swallowed. The sky was a powder blue with clouds that were imitating cotton balls.

"I don't know, maybe just, well maybe we could talk about," I knew this next bit was the initial important part, but it was so difficult to get out. Axel was looking at me, then, and I took a steadying breath before continuing. "Maybe we could talk about you, I'm worried." I wanted to flinch away from my own words because his eyes flickered away and back to me in a way I didn't think meant wonderful things. I was expecting the worse, though, and really I hated confrontations.

"You don't need to be worried. There's nothing wrong." He laughed a little again, as if that would convince me. He wasn't going to make this easy, and I just wanted it to be over.

"Axel, you don't eat."

"I eat." His snapping tone, and the way his eyes narrowed made me crawl in my skin a bit. His chest rose and fell differently, he seemed to straighten up and the pose he arranged himself in seemed defensive in such a way that he could spring into a verbal attack at any moment.

"I know you get what I mean. I'm just worried, I care, you know? I just want to help you."

"What are you saying? That I have an- that I have an- that I'm screwed up? I am perfectly fine, thank you, and I eat plenty. You aren't around me all the time, you don't know what I do or do not eat." His words were said so harshly, it was intimidating and I didn't quite know what to do.

"Demyx and I were just worried, we're both scared." That was obviously the wrong thing to say, and the reaction to my words was immediate.

"You two have been talking about me? What the hell? Why didn't either of you say anything to me, instead of gossiping behind my back like cowards?" His voice was rising, and he stood up, towering over me as his anger built and curled before it was unleashed. "I can't believe you two would accuse me of, I don't even know what! You can just fuck right off, got it memorized?" The staccato harshness made me flinch, my first thought was to cower. I was afraid, he was getting disproportionately angry to what I had said. Someone who didn't have anything to hide wouldn't get that vehement about their friends being concerned, I thought.

"We just thought something was wrong and wanted to make sure before we brought it up to you. We just made sure we weren't imaging anythi-"

"Just shut up, that's an excuse. You two have been up to something, I'm not stupid! Leave, just get out of my house, off my property, whatever. I don't care." He yanked one hand through his hair and stormed off, his breathing so loud I could hear it from a few feet away.

"Axel, please, I just-"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear anything you say!" He turned as he yelled those things, his feet leading him backwards towards the house still, his hands buried deep into his jean pockets. I almost felt as if I was going to cry, my own anger and the fear he inspired in me both seemed to fight to control my tear ducts. They succeeded when he closed the door and continued into his house, doing whatever it was that he was going to do. The overwhelming emotions released as I leaned down to focus on calming down. I sat there for a short time, allowing myself to cry and breathe until I felt up to the walk home. The one thing that kept repeating in my mind was how much that sucked. I was scared I was going to lose him over it, but it was better than risking him dying.

I didn't know why he was so unhappy. I didn't know much about eating disorders, but I knew that it wasn't a matter of a diet gone too far. There were mental problems that went with the problematic relationship with food. He hadn't ever let me in, he hadn't ever hinted there were things wrong. Sometimes I could tell he was upset, but he never talked about it. I had assumed he would talk when he felt up to it. Things got serious, though, and I had to push him to talk which didn't turn out well, it seemed.

My bag was by the door, and I showed myself out, texting Demyx a warning before Axel went off on him, too. At least Demyx would be aware of what had happened.


End file.
